I Pledge Acceptance Of My Body

I used to be so jealous of my girlfriends who turned a glowing shade of brown during the summer. Their skin was softly tanned from the sun; a golden brown that I believed would eventually come if I laid out by the pool long enough.

It didn’t. What came instead was a painful sunburn and a faint tan line there after. Sometimes there was peeling in-between, but that’s another story.

I told myself being tan would make me look thinner. That being tan was what I was supposed to be. Tan meant desirable, and I’d only need to get about fifty more bad sunburns until I would finally, finally turn a shade of light brown. I’m pretty sure this false belief solely stemmed from people making jokes about my fair skin… from people poking at sunburns and trying to make temporary smiley faces in the red skin.

I used to think my arms were too flabby. That they lacked definition, and that my butt could stand to be a little bigger. You guys…. I have been an athlete my whole life. A swimmer and a runner and a soccer player and a water polo player. I didn’t actually have time to worry about my body, but these were the lies I told myself occasionally. Unfortunately, I don’t think there is a single female in the world who has never gone through a phase(s) of body shaming.

There have been short stints where I worried that eating too much bread was the sole cause of a little extra love around my waist. I was certain that eating past 8:00pm was contributing to my lack of defined abs. I hated my broad shoulders that still don’t fit a women’s sizing guide in many t-shirts. For a while, I hated that my thighs touched. I hated that one eyebrow was a little different than the other, and that I had to deal with the nuances of curly hair (have you seen curls in humidity? It’s kind of like a chia pet). I hated that I was not a size smaller than I am, and that no matter how hard I tried, I would never, ever be the color tan that I imagined would make things all better.

I don’t love every part of my body. But I don’t wish to change anything that I once thought I did. The girl who wanted thinner thighs, tanner skin, straighter hair, and smaller shoulders is an imposter. She’s not me.

My thighs touch because my legs were designed to take me up mountains and go running and biking and see new places by foot. My shoulders are broad because I am strong. I can do pull-ups and push-ups and lift heavy things, and to be honest, being able to do those things kind of makes me feel like a badass. My stomach does not show off my abs because you know what? I love to eat bread and I really like dessert, and obsessing over my eating habits to ensure that I can have a washboard under my shirt sounds exhausting. Oh yeah, and there’s this other thing called genetics that did not gift me a six-pack. My fair skin is full of freckles, and I’ve come to accept that maybe I just freckle instead of tan. My curls are wild and often out of control, but they are mine.

I can’t sit here and tell you how to learn to love what you’re given. I don’t have advice or tips or a step-by-step guide. It’s been from twenty-seven years of letting myself evolve and change and grow into myself. Most importantly, it’s been about learning not to give a shit. I care about staying healthy. I care about sustaining healthy habits. I care about exercising because it makes me feel good mentally and physically.

We weren’t born to count calories and change our biology that turn us into living, breathing humans. We weren’t designed to damage our skin by trying to make it change colors. We are all made of different genetics, which is why no diet or workout plan will ever work for all of us. I’m not saying you’re wrong for wanting your body to look a certain way. I prefer my body to look athletic because that’s when I feel at my best. But fuck changing your body to match someone else’s. Fuck the belief that a different body type will make everything better. A flatter stomach won’t suddenly make your problems go away. It just won’t. As a human being, you have a responsibility to take care of yourself. That doesn’t mean a responsibility to look a certain way, but it does mean having a responsibility to prioritize health right alongside your job, family, social life, and whatever else you do that “does not allow you enough time to workout.”

We are ever-evolving creatures. I’m pretty sure in 10 years, my body will be completely different than it is now. I hope it is. It will probably carry more stretch marks and more freckles and probably some wrinkles. My body will evolve as my life evolves. My body will house adventures and laughter lines and experiences and memories. It will carry the weight of an abundant life, not weight that is measured by the scale. It will be a reflection of all parts of me — I think that’s the most admirable part of getting older. You are constantly building a home to your own story with every passing year. The people who are attracted to you for your uniqueness — those are your people. And when you are at peace with everything that is you, you are home.

Originally published at www.lexiedorn.com on August 13, 2018.

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