I Used to Think I’d Done the Work
A reflection on cognitive dissonance and boundaries.
I use to think I’d done the work. I’d gotten to where I needed to be. But I was still unhappy. I always felt anxious and drained. I felt I was being pulled in two different directions.
Intellectually, I had read all I could. I understood the concepts. I’d been to therapy after therapy session. I’d done 2 years of coaching. I could speak it like it was off the top of my head. But I wasn’t living it. I was letting my boundaries and energy go in directions I didn’t want them to. Not just where I didn’t want, but in places that were hurting me. I put being a “good” friend, a “good” worker, a “good” person, over protecting myself and taking care of myself, my heart, my general well-being. I still found myself wondering why I was unhappy and sick.
By going through a life coaching program, the Catalyst Coaching Intensive, and reading John’s book, “A No BS Guide to Finding and Living Your Own Truth”, it all finally clicked.
“HOW YOU FEEL IS YOUR TRUTH. IF YOU DON’T EXPRESS THAT, YOU ARE BEING FALSE.” -John Kim
I was talking the talk, but I wasn’t walking the walk — not even a bit. I didn’t want the fallout. I didn’t want to anger anyone when I said my boundaries were being crossed or that I was unhappy with where things were or what they said or did. I had let myself get there because they’d express their displeasure with what I said and so I’d back pedal so hard and act like I’d done something wrong. I was sacrificing my well-being daily, to keep the peace. And when I finally spoke up, it fell out exactly as I knew it would, and I had to be okay with it.
I was being torn in two because the part of me that wanted to be there for people, forgive, be understanding and accepting was at war with the part that was trying to protect myself and tend my needs + emotional boundaries. I had created those boundaries because I knew who I was and what I needed. Not to be confrontational or a problem. I had let all the external messages, of how I should be more accessible and how I should be the quiet one in the corner, pile up. It doesn’t matter if I can adapt better or give in easier. I shouldn’t have to. I shouldn’t have to give in to keep the peace because someone else is unable to see how their actions affect another.
Also there was this concept that communication is confrontational vs. it just being information to digest and work with. I had to break the mold and these false beliefs.
I had not only silenced myself, but when I did speak up, I let others silence me again. It was a double punch in the gut. And I let it happen over and over again. Then I wondered why I had anxiety or felt depressed. It has taken me so long to say, “No! I matter.” My life matters. Who I am and how I feel is important. And this doesn’t mean going around waving a sword and smiting everyone who hasn’t listened.
I have to be okay with people walking out if they don’t want to accept that. Not being angry or defensive, but simply acknowledging they aren’t my people.
I still struggle with saying no. With trying to please, with wanting to support people and, when I can’t, I still struggle with the fall out of of those conversations. Because I don’t want people to be upset with me. I also struggle with being okay with where I am and what my body allows of me. How much I can give to another before it’s taken from my own wellness.
At the end of the day, the only person I need to take care of is me. I need to be okay with that. I need to let people be upset and hurt. I need to not try to support everyone. I can’t balance every plate and do everything. I can’t be everyone’s best friend. And being a best friend doesn’t mean silencing myself to sit there and suffer. Obviously there is some give and take and when someone is going through something. But that doesn’t mean sacrificing basics 24/7.
I recently read a quote along the lines of “empathy without boundaries is self destruction.” I feel this 100%. I have lived this. And I can’t ever live it again.
Now, I feel less anxious and depressed. I know that because I hopped into bed the other day tired and past my bedtime but, I just said out loud, “I am so happy!” Then smiled to myself. I have to be okay with giving myself the gift of happiness and well-being. Only I can do this. One step at a time, day by day.
Ready to start your JRNI?
Want to learn more about healthy boundaries, goal setting, and non-violent communication? Join the Catalyst Coaching Intensive. Want to hire a coach to work through some roadblocks with you? Learn more about Ashely here.
