Mentor or Coach, Are They Really The Same?

Are you doing justice to either one by using the words interchangeably and so loosely?

Coach, mentor, mentor, coach. The words are used interchangeably yet the meanings and representation are so distinct. It’s not uncommon for us to look at a boss, leader, or executive and share with others that they were ‘my coach ‘ or ‘my mentor.’ Yet what does that statement really convey?

Very early in my career, I was randomly (or so I thought) chosen to meet with our department CEO. He was tall, loud and intimidating. Every Friday he walked around the office floor throwing a nerf basketball at folks (not to hurt them), but to play and interact, engage. I was just 21, meek and very was overwhelmed by his presence. Yet I loved his levity and grace, despite his professional basketball player stature. Our 45 minute monthly mentoring session continued for a year.

To this day I have no reason why John chose me as a mentee. And my memories aren’t of our conversations, although I wish I would have journaled more. My memories are of his monthly challenge to me (whatever it was) and my perplexed state as I began to grow into the person I was to become. I was so naïve, so young and yet he saw something in me that I hadn’t yet uncovered in myself and helped guide me towards it.

Twenty years later, I reached out to him and was received with warmth and gratitude. Three things had changed, his hair color and his style of dress and he expression of humility. He had since left a corporate life and was public speaking and writing books. He still had a lot of opinions and great words of advice.

Like John, my other mentors have been great at pushing me to consider new ideas, new philosophies, new concepts and helping me focus on what they believed I was good at doing. I also learned to connect. I learned what it looked like to meet people, engage and help others or allow others to help me. Yet, none of them asked me questions about myself.

What would you like to do Stacy?
What your passions?
What feels natural?
What doesn’t feel like work?
What doesn’t work well for you?
What can you do well that you don’t want to do anymore?

It wasn’t until I learned of coaching and eventually hired one for myself that I came to realize my mentors, knowingly or unknowingly, had heavily influenced me to move in their direction. In fact, I received a number of job offers and always received great compliments about my work ethic, philosophy, as well as my curious and engaging demeanor. My mentors were great business people and good humans.

I met my coach, Dale, through a mutual friend many years ago. He started a series of Master Mind Groups. He was grouping interested individuals in small groups allowing for diverse profession, backgrounds, and experiences. It was through that group I learned of his coaching practice.

My first coach appointment felt like a failure. I cried for most of the ninety minute session. Come to think of it, I don’t think there was an appointment where I left without using Kleenex to wipe away the tears. We met at a hotel restaurant. Some days were a bit more embarrassing than others; however, the wait staff was great. In fact, they made sure I had black napkins for our morning meet. I couldn’t seem to remember NOT to wear make-up.

My life was so defined and focused with structure and box-like thinking, go to school, make money, get a job, get married, have kids. Yet, my life was more like: school, new school, graduate from college, job, back to school, get pregnant, get pregnant, graduate college (again), get married, get divorced, work jobs I hate, raise kids, and work more jobs I hate.

I quickly learned Dale was focused on my passion and helping me focus on it as well. He was interested in learning what I liked or didn’t like, what I was good at but didn’t want to do anymore and where I wanted to be and how I wanted to feel when I was in that place. He allowed me to imagine that right ‘me’ place. He allowed space, comfortably held space (while I wiggled around like a toddler in it) and he called me out when need be and redirected, often.

We spent our first three sessions working through career details and passions. At the time, I was looking for a new job or a day job that would work better for me and my family. During this exercise I also learned it is OK to be really good at a specific task or have a skill that might be of benefit to someone, even if it is not skill I want to exude on a daily basis. Who knew eliminating a success or skill could be so simple? I was allowed to say no and feel good about it.

The rest of my sessions were focused on my personal strengths and passions. Personal strengths and passions were even more of a challenge, yet where I found my biggest growth. It was the first time I allowed myself to feel so vulnerable yet know I was supported. He sat with me, and there wasn’t a hint of judgement or opinions. He shared an occasional story or experience; mostly, he held space. He allowed me to explore, tested my (often self-inflicted negative) thought process and probed at my status quo. He dug deep into the words, phrases, and statements. He pointed out what brought excitement to my face, what changed my body language or just lite up my aurora.

He taught me that it was OKto allow myself to be what I want to be, to tell others no, that it’s ok to be good at something, hate doing it and not include it on your resume or even acknowledge the skill when others ask about it.

I was so used to defining and living in structure that without his curiosity, patience, probing, challenging, and transparent questions I would have never cut open the box and exposed my great passions, love-to-hates, love-to-loves, and fears.

My mentors were great ego boosters, but my coach taught me to engage with a level of self confidence and self-love that had been missing in my life.

He introduced me to “No” and becoming comfortable with saying the word. He introduced me to true work/life balance (saying NO was a big part of that philosophy.). He was also one of the first people that introduced me to the concept of empathy. A word I become more intimately involved with, years later.

I’m very fortunate to be in contact with all of my mentors and my coach. While not often, the roles remain the same and both serve their purpose. It was the coach that guided me toward life changes. It’s for that reason I will never use mentor and coach interchangeably. When I hear others misuse the words, I put on my curiosity hat. I ask why.

To many, the term ‘coach’ sounds cool and the thought of having a ‘mentor’ makes them feel important. I remember that feeling and it’s a good feeling. It’s an OK feeling to have; however, ask yourself, what do you need and why? The answer to those questions will steer you toward the path of a coach versus mentor. What’s right for me? What’s right for my path?

If it weren’t for that time with Dale, that space to explore what made me tick, and what felt real, I wouldn’t be here. Yep, this also comes with the actions and goals of transitioning out of the corporate box that has eluded me for so long. Where I am now is an exploration of small businesses, pushing anxiety out of the way and finally navigating my own journey of becoming a life coach.

Interested in diving deeper and possibly helping others discover their passions? Click here for more info.