Facing the facts

Often instead of concentrating on how we feel, it’s important to focus on the real facts to move us in the right direction.

I had planned on writing a blog post regarding my optimism and had thought I would talk about my excitement regarding being on the brink of diagnosis for an autoimmune condition that has been plaguing me for nearly twenty years. I thought it was important to mention that although my mother is shitting herself in worry that I’ll end up in a wheelchair or dead, suggesting that I relinquish my dream of retiring in a forest cabin nestled in the woods complete with daily hikes — I was instead focusing on the fact that I take excellent care of my body and of course, I don’t even know what disease is residing in my immune system yet. Here’s where I was going to pat myself on the back for being so positive…

Instead today I feel like crying. Tuesday mornings are for an hour walk followed by an hour of Barre class. Today my body is giving me a big “fuck you” with searing pain in my left hamstrings and glutes. I took so long trying to stretch it out this morning that I knew I wouldn’t have time to walk and still attend class. To be honest I was in considerable denial thinking Barre was even possible with the pain I woke up in and it wasn’t until I sat on my car’s seat heaters en route to the gym that I was even convinced that I would be able to cruise around the track. The stairs to the track were tough, my left hip screaming and oh — there’s now a new pain in my right knee crying out as I climbed one by one up the steps. I finally made it, and I walked (slowly) for 45 minutes until I moved myself to the recumbent bike in order to write this.

Here’s where I need to remind myself of the facts (in no particular order):

1. I’ve been dealing with this on and off for 20 years and it hasn’t done much to stop me yet.

2. I eat healthier and get more physical activity than most people I know.

3. I am on the brink of a diagnosis! This really is exciting since I’ve always instead been given ideas to manage symptoms. This time my new Nurse Practitioner took me seriously enough that she ordered an extensive panel of blood work to get done where two antibodies/markers were detected.

4. I still don’t really know what I’m facing, but I’m on the right track. In a month I see a specialist and hopefully two weeks later I will know what is going on and I can stop any further damage to my body. I am a lot less nervous than maybe I should be, but I’m holding tight to my curiosity and it’s almost keeping me sane through all the uncertainty.

5. I’m still in charge of my attitude.

6. I may have missed Barre class, but I will get a decent workout in today and I am definitely feeling less pain now that I’ve spent some time moving my body.

7. Nothing can take my dreams away. I can still retire in the mountains even if I end up on a wheelchair (thanks Mom…).

8. All I can do is move forward with more information, activity and a hopeful heart.

So in reflecting back and focusing on the facts, I guess this post is about my optimism after all.