Saying Goodbye to My Mother, By Saying Thank You

“Goodbye’s the saddest word I’ll ever hear
Goodbye’s the last time I will hold you near
Someday you’ll say that word and I will cry
It’ll break my heart to hear you say goodbye”

I never thought I’d be saying goodbye to my spitfire pitbull of a mother on April 1st of 2015 after a two and a half year battle with stage 4 metastasized lung cancer. I never thought I’d be in the hospital myself the day she died. I swore I wanted to be with her at the end, to let her know I would be okay, that she had nothing to worry about. I also know that who she was as a person, she always wanted to protect me from situations like that and would have never wanted me to experience it. I still have to heal the feelings of guilt, wishing things had been different.

The two and a half years leading to her death, when she was told she was terminal and had only a couple months to live, they were the closest we had been and yet the hardest to be around her. I was her rock as she liked to call me but with that came the feeling like I was not meant to lean on her when I wanted to break down because my mother was dying and I wasn’t ready to lose her. I know now, the reason she lasted so long was that I was not yet ready to say goodbye. I wasn’t prepared to let her go and had to finally be nudged to acknowledge it. I swore I was ready, I swore I had mourned and let her go until I was confronted with how that was not at all the case.

We did not have the best relationship growing up and for much of it, I sincerely hated her. I was honestly surprised how hard this all hit me, I thought my heart had been stone where she was concerned but it was a way to protect myself. She was neglectful and hurt me in so many ways I doubt I could cover them all in this post but in the end I learned to understand why she behaved the way she did and saw how much she grew and yet, I also had to mourn the mother I never got to have.

I also had to mourn the future, the mother I would never have at my wedding, the mother I could never call if I was worried during pregnancy or my kids were sick, and I had to mourn for any future children, the grandmother they would never get to meet. I had to mourn the mother who could never grow to be for me what I needed and the relationship we could never have.

In the end, I am thankful.

Mother,

I am thankful I got to know you. Thank you for trying so hard to mend our relationship. Thank you for worrying when I was too stubborn to appreciate it. And thank you for always calling me the best thing you ever did.

Your Daughter

I’m thankful knowing what my mom sacrificed and how much she loved me. I would not be where I am right this moment without my life being what it was. Grief is not linear. I still cry when the pang of memories make me think of her. I cried writing this. Then I continue with my life that I was gifted, knowing that is the best way to honour her memory and that she is with me wherever I am. I don’t believe you just get over losing a mother, but you can hold it close and let it empower you to live the best life possible.

“‘til we meet again
until then
Goodbye” — Céline Dion