Some Thoughts on Looking Back as I Move Forward
Which way do you really want to go?
Casner Mountain in Sedona is what I describe as the worst hike with the best view. It’s not even really a trail, but instead a very steep dirt and gravel roadway that was built for utility trucks to drive on in order to install and maintain the electrical grid. Hiking it means you are in full sun exposure with arduous elevation gains, all while tiny stones roll out underfoot often causing you to land on your knees. Due to its incline, the view in front of you is mostly dirt and if you are hiking behind someone, their boots. It’s a fucking killer. One of our hiking books deems it is as much of a psychological test as a physical one. And as if that wasn’t a big enough challenge, ATV vehicles share the path, struggling and sputtering, noisy and stinky without much respect to those of us few doing it on our own two feet. Ugh! My husband sometimes teases me that he’ll want his ashes scattered at the top and when we most recently discussed that “trail”, I told him I will never ever trek it again, regardless of how soul stirring the view is from the top. “Just stop and look behind you as you go.” was his suggestion. Sounds like a plan, but wait — WHAT?
Ok, yes, it’s true, I did stop to look behind me as we went, but one of those pauses is where I seriously contemplated bailing on the excursion for the day — something I’ve never done mid-hike. Crying, dizzy and shaking, I told him I was done, done, done! Luckily water, a piece of fruit, and some sweet talk from my darling and I was back in the action, sweaty and grumbling as I carried on, dreaming of the incredible view that must be awaiting me at the top.
So this is the thing; when we have a goal, what should we be focused on? Where we are going or where we have been? I gave myself some time to reflect on it in relation to parts of my life that I consider particularly successful:
How much would I trust my current husband if I kept looking back to all the times my ex pulled the rug out from under me?
Where would my business be if my mind was busy remembering that as a child my father always told me I was so incredibly stupid, I’d be lucky if I got to work on an assembly line at a local candy factory?
How much confidence would I have if I focused on every silly mistake I ever made? Every failure?
Admittedly I am who I am from those experiences. I’m built from them, they are woven into me and I embrace that aspect of them. But, if I keep looking backwards and tether myself to those experiences, how hard would it be to move forward all while dragging that shit along for the ride? If I didn’t allow myself to shed what I don’t need from those struggles and point myself in the direction in which I am going, and focus, I’d still be standing in one place- STUCK.
So this I know; I will always choose to continue looking ahead, and maybe, just maybe I’ll try that hike again someday. Perhaps even before I have to carry an urn of ashes with me.
