The Truth of How We Are Feeling Needs To Be Talked About More

When you ask me how I am, I will tell you more than you bargained for.

I believe in the importance of sharing more than the words ‘fine’ or ‘good’ with each other because fine and good are rarely the truth. Fine and good lack substance. They are two words rooted in fear of vulnerability. They are words used for a quick exit from a conversation, a mask to cover up the truth, and barriers to keep us from real connection.

I am currently living in a fog, and I’m telling you this because more people need to share what’s under the surface. We need to make it a common understanding that no one is happy 100% of the time, no one has a perfect life, and everyone is dealing with something. Everyone. In light of recent suicides of two public figures and as an advocate for open conversation around anxiety, depression, and all other emotions that are not considered happy, I too, will step forward to admit that life is not always as good as it may appear. I hope that writing about my current reality can at least help one person who may be struggling with the idea that ‘everyone else has it all figured out,’ I can assure you, that I do not.

So, how am I, you ask?

Generally speaking, I’m alive. I am a combination of feeling present in my life and also feeling M.I.A. from my own life. It’s a strange thing to feel far away from the life you’re living every day. I’m here, but walking through a fog. Occasionally this fog allows me to see the view, but it mostly keeps me amidst the gray that has me wondering if and when it will be sunny again. I know it will, but some days that feels like a forced thought. I wish I could say I’ve been on vacation to reset, but this has been more of a longer-term hiatus that has included stepping away from my daily scheduled programming and into a lot of crying, therapy, journaling, thinking, venting, and diving deep into doing ‘the inner work.’ The world has been a heavy place for me lately. In the past six months, I’ve experienced a move away from a life I knew well, a break-up that included losing my best friend, and four deaths — one of which, I witnessed in person. It’s a lot, I know. I crave to use the word happy as a descriptor, but I would be lying to myself and lying to you. I have had many happy moments and made lots of happy memories in-between all of this, but “happy” would not be my first choice if I were to pick a theme for the recent months. Contrary to the beliefs of my younger-self, I can now confidently say that happiness is a feeling, and being present is a state of mind. So instead, I’m focusing on being present with however I’m feeling.

I’d love to tell you I start my day with a clear mind and an open heart, ready to tackle the day! But I’ve actually been starting most days feeling sad and frustrated and consumed by the question ‘why.’ I don’t understand a lot of what’s happened, but I’m trying to… or at least, come to terms with not being able to see the bigger picture (yet). I’m hopeful that someday this will all make sense, but damn do I wish that day was now! Patience is virtue and also a bitch. With the patience, I find myself falling deep into the rabbit hole of my own brain. It goes to places I don’t want to think about, and to places that don’t feel helpful to the act of moving on. Because of this, it seems as though I’m constantly trying to pick apart my own emotions and proactively redirect my brain for many hours of the day. It’s exhausting! I am trying to do, while also just be. This is the paradox of life, wouldn’t you say?

I’m doing yoga and reading and journaling and talking to people and spending time outside and doing all the things that they say should make me feel better/good/happy. Self-care is interesting. It’s like, go get a massage and life will be good! In reality, self-care requires requires A LOT of patience and dedication and trust because it’s messy and ugly and not quite as simple as doing one yoga class. It’s more inner-work than I can fathom and yeah, as a friendly reminder, life is often a bigger puzzle than just thinking positive thoughts. So in short, I’m hanging in there. And by hanging, I do mean by a thread some days and by a harness other days. I’m not good, and I’m not fine. But I am a mixture of emotions that sometimes include good and fine, all packed into the daily life of a 5’5” human.

I hope sharing this will bring comfort someone in knowing that life is so much complex than how it usually appears. I hope that someone feels like they can relate, and that they are not alone. I hope that the more we choose real dialogue over saying good or fine gives permission for vulnerability. It takes strength to say you’re not okay — and it’s okay not to be okay. I hope you tell someone why you are happy or excited or bored or sad or mad or uncertain or scared next time they ask. Why? Because it’s equally as important to share in our imperfections and struggles, as it is to share in the highlight-reel moments of life.

We need more humanizing conversations, and those generally require two things: 1) starting with “how are you?” and 2) answering in an honest fashion.

Originally published at www.lexiedorn.com on June 14, 2018.