Top 10 Mom Lessons Learned
To some I’m a parent, step-parent, co-parent and former single parent. To me, I’m Stacy and I’m a mom, that’s it. Plain and simple. Regardless of the title, my role as a parent is the same. I love, I’m consistent and I’m compassionate.
All the love, consistency and compassion in the world don’t prepare you for parenting with someone else, and it can be more of a challenge than you could imagine. When your core parenting ideals differ it is grueling and when your parenting ideals differ drastically it can divide your house.
My parenting journey is, well, a journey. My first child was born out of wedlock, in fact so was my second. I married my babies’ daddy and we divorced two years later. On one hand single parenting was difficult, on the other, it was easier parenting alone than with my former husband. At the core our parenting values were similar; however he was not a good husband and we were not his family. When we divorced, his Disney Dad lifestyle was one of my biggest challenges. When he started dating his now wife, we ventured into more of a co-parenting relationship. I was excited for the changes she brought to his life and welcomed her presence to participate with us on the parenting journey.
For several years we met as a family: the boys, me, my former husband and his wife. We had bi-weekly Sunday family meetings with a small agenda of standing items including sports and school activities and appointments. Discussions also included general challenges, incidents, groundings, successes, etc. I truly believed in the practice of togetherness and not just for show. Consistency was so important for the boys and it really helped navigate the daily grind of life. In fact, when they first told the boys of her pregnancy, I was sincerely excited for their journey. She quickly promised the boys (11 and 10 at the time) nothing would change when the twins were born. Meetings stopped when she gave birth to their twins. It’s ten years later and still waiting on that family meeting. Well, actually not. BUT I wouldn’t be lying if I said I was disappointed that our village fell apart, deflated and died
I’m not naïve and I didn’t expect the same level of interaction; however, I didn’t expect years of name calling, belittling and bad mouthing. Why the change? I have no idea. Years of rationalizing brought me to this mantra: she wanted to do best by her own kids and suddenly mine didn’t fit into the picture. I could bore you with another big write-up, maybe someday. In fact, I think it could be an interesting story and you might capture a few tidbits below. Honestly, some of the things that happened I couldn’t make up. More importantly, it broke my heart for the kids and for their dad.
By the time my former husband had his babies, I’d been dating my now husband for a short time. He’s the father of three, a son and two daughters. He and his former wife have similar styles of parenting to each other but very different styles of parenting to me. I was blinded by love and too unaware and oblivious to the difference to even comprehend how differently we do parenting. While we never had family meetings, we have spent a lot of time together in family therapy striving to find a common space. More stories for a different day.
Regardless of the history and the stories I could share I’ve learned leaning toward the middle and consistency with adjustments is really important. No matter where you start and the adults involved, the outcome appears similar. Since time is so precious I whittled it down to a top ten parenting rules of the road. Here goes…
#1 — It’s not about you, it’s about them. So the two of you have decided not to be together or at this moment, the two of you can’t agree how to parent. Remember, your relationship status is your choice, not your kids’. It’s your job to keep their best interest in mind even if your vision looks different. Said differently, figure the shit out with each other not with the kids.
#2 — Bite your tongue. Sometimes we say things we don’t mean or hear mean things the other parent has said. No matter what was said, it’s not the kids’ issue, it’s yours. Keep them out of it, even if it does involve them. Invoke a no belittling adult rule. Seriously! If other adults are involved in the relationship, this rule also applies. I can’t tell you enough, badmouthing will kick you in the ass someday.
#3 — When tension rises, take a moment and walk away. Especially when you can’t hear yourself think, or feel like you want to talk shit about the other parent. When feeling defensive or just wanting to react, stop!
JUST. WALK. AWAY.
Come back together later. I promise the outcome will be so much better than staying engaged when emotionally charged. Don’t forget children learn what they live and they will start to mimic your behavior. It too will bite you in the ass someday.
#4 — Try something different if what’s established isn’t working. Let’s say the two of you have agreed to a certain set of criteria for family cleaning. Two kids kick and scream and do nothing without being watched or nagged constantly while the other third does all of the work. Try a family meeting. Understand what’s causing the problem. Sometimes kids have a valid reason for not doing something. That DOESN’T mean they shouldn’t participate, but they may have a good idea or a desire to clean all of the toilets in the house versus vacuuming the stairs. (We can always dream, right?)
Compromise doesn’t mean giving in and the act of compromise inherently engages active negotiation. Ultimately, as the adult you have the final decision; however, you might get more out of the kids by working with their strengths, motivations and passions.
#5 — Establish boundaries. As adults, we are told no, then we assess and determine next steps or a different path. We negotiate or course correct. The word forces us to seek alternatives, other choices. We may not always like the choices available; but we can do with it what we want and move forward. Here me out. Saying ‘No’ creates opportunity for resiliency, negotiation and boundary setting. It’s ok to use ‘No’ with our kids. It’s ok to tell them they have to go to their room an hour before bedtime, finish chores or homework before play. It’s ok to make them wait for a toy. And, even if there’s not a really good reason to say ‘No,’ it’s ok to say it anyway to create a teaching moment.
Focus on the future. Look forward to the fruits of your labor.
On a side note, saying ‘No’ is my biggest challenge and one of the most uncomfortable spaces for me to live, even after twenty-one years of parenting. The guilt was intense and quite overwhelming most days. Many of my ‘No’s’ were financial and time constraint driven. Being a single parent can do that to you. Now, as I navigate young adulthood with my kids, I’m glad I did it. I see my fruit blossoms blooming.
#6 — Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. I’m not telling you to talk for the sake of talking. Communication can come in so many ways. Family meetings, quick touch points such as emails, calls, texting, showing up for events, offering to help when it’s not normally your responsibility.
Involve the entire family where appropriate and when appropriate and if able. At a minimum, don’t assume. If you don’t know, ask. If they are asking again and you are irritated because it’s the fifth time they’ve asked the same question, take a deep breathe before answering.
#7 — Be consistent. Consistency is key. A really simple example: a rotating chore list. Each house can have a different list of chores and ownership of those chores. I’m not saying everything has to be played out identically between parents or homes (if multiple homes apply); however, the expectation of having roles and responsibilities on a daily or weekly basis is important.
All of that said we do things based on what we know and what we’ve experienced. Situations and events cause change. With change causes disruption to the consistency. Just know leveraging #4, #5, and #6 will help establish a new norm when change is required or necessary
#8 — Choose kindness to each other and yourself. As adults, moments get real, stuff gets hard. Revert to #3 and then remember no bitch talking, back stabbing or bad mouthing about your husband’s former wife to the lady behind the bakery counter. Seriously! People can see right through your B.S. Allegiances can change. When you say one thing and do something else, people notice. Yeah, situations and moments can really suck. Events happen, terrible words said. At the end of the day, your business is your business. Vent when appropriate in a safe space but come back to the plateau. Regroup and move forward.
Said another way, treat others poorly and I guarantee it will come back to haunt you one day. Choose the high road.
#9 — Be Curious. Stay Curious. When possible, remove the emotion. Doesn’t mean the situation isn’t emotional. Step back and choose to understand, remove the emotion or hurt that may have come from a comment or message. Ask questions.
Think of your emotions as a ladder. When you are on the bottom rung, you are at the lowest of emotions, likely defensive and reactive. If you are curious, you are mid-ladder, a little off the ground, not quite the top. Mid-ladder creates vulnerability, which can look and feel like risk. Try hanging out mid-ladder, not attached to the outcome or the emotion. Seek to understand. Mid-ladder doesn’t require you to agree or disagree.
The human brain is incapable of a negative thought and positive thought at the same time. Choose positive. Curiosity is a baseline positive emotion.
#10 — Practice makes better. Yep, I didn’t say perfect. Remember, there isn’t a manual and it’s not required to know everything. Allow yourself space to change, make adjustments, forgive and move forward.
I was raised to be perfect. The perception of perfect is different for everyone and I wish I’d known that long ago. It took quite a few years to quit stop beating myself up and focus on the practice of parenting. Even now, as my husband and I straddle different fences, we practice parenting. I’m leaning heavily into empty nesting with 21 and 20 year olds and he’s straddling empty nesting and full-fledged parenting with 20, 17 and 14 year olds. Both of our former spouses are no longer involved in the good and bad of parenting and haven’t been for years. They pick and choose when they want to visit and for how long, it’s unlikely for them to participate in doctor’s appointments, homework stress, hormones or school events. So together, we lean into practice and compromise. It’s a hard place to navigate; however, we argue less and focus on the big picture of life. Acknowledging our own and each other’s strengths and weakness has been of benefit.
I can safely say I’ve seen and lived quite a bit in my short life as a parent. Seems odd to make that statement and yet I don’t consider myself an expert, just a mom trying to figure shit out. Someday I will humor you with stories. In the end, kids will be kids and you never know when they are baiting you, battling hormones, or just being shit heads.
Every day, I long for the good times and my idea of good times as a mid-40 something parent are very different than those of years past.
Regardless of everything and everyone involved in your parenting relationship, you have a choice. Chose positive. Chose how you would like to live if you had an ideal situation. Then live it. Don’t strive for perfection; strive for practice, for good. Moments and day will be good and bad. There are many one-liners on parenting and I’m sure you’ve read or heard many of them, but I’ll leave you with this… none of us are perfect and it does take a village to raise each other. Use your village, be curious with each other and remember to think about how you want your children to respond in life. Children learn what they live.
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