Your Grieving Doesn’t Have a Timeline
It can take as much or as little as you need it to.
I found out shortly into Christmas day, just after midnight on Christmas eve, that a friend who was battling cancer for the third time, had passed away. While I knew it was always a possibility, part of me just felt like he would beat this too, that he was going to come through- that he was unstoppable. As if he’d win against anything thrown his way. I had hope and faith that he’d win again.
Last time I’d talked with him he’d been given bad news. Despite that, they were going to try a new therapy. They said if it worked: he’d be cured. I was rooting for him. I was praying for him so, but sadly that was not to be. I will admit I was in shock when I found out. It felt like it happened so fast.
When I found out, I messaged mutual friends to let them know. We talked. We cried. One friend felt they didn’t have much right to grieve, compared to how many people he had touched. It hit me at that moment. I had lost another friend a year or so ago. He had died suddenly at 40. I hadn’t kept in touch with this friend very well, and regretted it. I know I was busy, we were on the other side of the country and I was also dealing with my health issues, but still. I felt bad to be grieving for them, since I had lost contact and it had been a while since we last talked.
When my friend said those words to me; I told them, “I think you can grieve as much or as little as you need to.”
It made me stop and pause. It hit me that I was giving my friend permission for something I hadn’t given myself. It’s always so much easier for me to be a better person to someone else. To guide and teach them and offer them the empathy I cannot give myself. I sat there a bit in shock by my own words. Words I could not utter to myself. And even with him, even with this friend who just died. I felt terrible because it had been a bit since we talked. I’d made a mental note to send him a message on Christmas day. But Christmas day didn’t come. Not for him.
I’m trying and struggling to give myself the same empathy I showed my friend. To be loving and acknowledge that I’m sad. I’m mourning, and even though it had been a bit since we talked last, I have to be loving in knowing I’ve been sick, stressed and so busy the last month and a bit. That I’ve been trying my best and there are so many people I do love and while I may not talk to them all the time, I still love them. It’s okay to be sad when they leave. So this is my mantra right this moment. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I will grieve as much or as little as I need to and every day will be different.
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