Why Don’t We Discuss Intimacy in line with the Sunnah?

Your wives are a place of cultivation for you, so come to your place of cultivation however you wish and put forth righteousness for yourselves. And fear Allah and know that you will meet Him. And give good tidings to the believers. — Qur’an 2[Al-Baqarah]:223

To be honest, sex is natural and it’s part of our physiology. If you don’t know, intercourse boosts the release of serotonin — this is the hormone responsible for stabilizing our mood with a feeling of happiness. Intimacy is not something to be ashamed of or disgusting like some other religion portrays it. Various cultures and societies have presented sex to us as taboo or forbidden to talk about. In addition, the flood of indecent movies and pictures hasn’t helped our degenerated generation. Undoubtedly, it should be a mature conversation within the context of marriage with bashfulness and not just for fun. This is a matter that should enhance marital harmony but sadly, not understanding it has crashed many relationships. One question that comes to mind is: why did Allah make it lawful, interesting, and pleasurable? A lot of people suffer in silence owing to ignorance and our stigma towards this sincere conversation. Unfortunately, women often get the shorter end of the stick as she’s sometimes seen as a whore if she demands to be pleased.

The blessed Messenger Muhammad PBUH was sent to mankind with this religion of truth encompassing every facet of life. He touched intricately every bit of our daily lives without neglecting intimacy. There’s this famous hadith of Jabir ibn Abdullah which we shall examine in this piece. It’s a very popular one filled with wisdom and practicality. He admonished Jabir like a father should do to his son or a cleric to the newly wedded. Hence, I think we should encourage scholars and community leaders likewise not to be shy when it comes to teaching Muslims about sexual etiquette. If people don’t learn it the right way, they have several other means to figure things out in an inappropriate manner. Let’s enjoy the hadith viz:

Jabir ibn Abdullah reported that once he was on an expedition with the Prophet salla Allahu ʿalayhi wa sallam, and when they were close to the city of Madinah, he sped on his mount. The Prophet salla Allahu ʿalayhi wa sallam asked him why he was in such a hurry to return home. Jabir replied, “I am recently married!” The Prophet salla Allahu ʿalayhi wa sallam asked, “To an older lady or a younger one?” [a widow or a virgin], to which he replied, “A widow.” The Prophet salla Allahu ʿalayhi wa sallam said, “But why didn’t you marry a younger girl so that you could play with her, and she could play with you, and you could make her laugh, and she could make you laugh?” He said, “O Messenger of Allah! My father died a martyr at Uhud, leaving behind daughters, so I did not wish to marry a young girl like them, but rather an older one who could take care of them and look after them.” The Prophet salla Allahu ʿalayhi wa salam replied, “You have made the correct choice.” Jabir continues, “So when we were about to enter the city, the Prophet salla Allahu ʿalayhi wa sallam said to me, ‘Slow down, and enter at night, so that she who has not combed may comb her hair, and she who has not shaved may shave her private area.’ Then he said to me, ‘When you enter upon her, then be wise and gentle.’’ — Bukhari and Muslim

This hadith is full of immense benefits, and cannot be overemphasized as different treaties can be derived from this single hadith. However, this article is more concerned with where it sheds light on intimacy and marriage in Islam. It also illustrates the fact that this isn’t a subject that should be swept under the carpet. Hence, it succinctly answers the question: why don’t we discuss intimacy in line with the sunnah.

Since this piece is geared towards intimacy in line with the sunnah, here are a few tips gathered that we hope will be beneficial…

1. Romance and sex work hand-in-hand: It’s recommended that you be gentle with your wife as indicated in the hadith of Jabir. In another narration, Allah’s Apostle recommends that you shouldn’t approach your wife as animals do. Hence, send a message before intercourse, say nice words as I love you, understand her soft spot and wives should also know what turns the husband on.
2. True love encapsulates passion, intimacy, and commitment: I often tell people true love begins after marriage. You can’t know how much you love someone until you’re fully committed through a marital bond. Marriage opens the gate to a lawful intimate relationship. Hence, these are all intertwined; so begin to envisage your love as a catalyst for great sex which in turn makes your love stronger.
3. Passionate sex is a sacred bond: Don’t feel shy about intimacy with your partner, rather create a safe enabling environment where both of you can explore and enjoy each other. Remember, you’re earning a reward for pleasing your wife and enjoying yourself. if it were to be out of wedlock, then you’re toiling with the sanctuary.
4. There’s no perfect timing: Couples should make themselves available for each other. Either party may be wanting the other and as partners, we are meant to help each other guard our chastity. Let no one deny the other without a cogent reason. Both of you don’t have to be in the mood, if that’s the case, you’d have to wait longer than ever. Either of the spouses can trigger the process and the other succumbs. However, ensure you’re in privacy where no one sees or hears you besides Allah. For healthy reasons, sex isn’t a daily thing — the body needs to recover and regain strength.
5. Great sex reignites the bond: Make it a habit to have “intimacy time” within your schedule. I’m not saying that you mark the dates but make it a rule to meet at least; once a week. This refreshes your commitment to one another. At times, it's the deal-breaker that ends the grudge or even helps you to express yourself.
6. Communication is essential: Here, it’s both verbal and non-verbal. The sound of a wife moaning may send a positive vibe to the husband that she’s enjoying it. And to some women, a simple routine like brushing your teeth to bed might be the trigger to a romantic kiss. After the show is over, cuddle, bond, and express sweet talks. Cherish the moment and be a source of comfort to each other.
7. Make it happen: Good sex occurs when both couples decide to be vulnerable, confident, patient, confront their challenges, explore a full range of techniques, communicate honestly and understand the physiology of their body. Eat healthy diets that recharge your sexual desire. You don’t have to be selfish, try to see that your partner is satisfied before you call it off. Orgasm is a good feeling, go for it.
8. It’s a learning center: Be ready to be schooled under the sheets. Some of us are naive as we never tried intimacy before marriage. Therefore, be vulnerable and allow your spouse to tell you what they want and how they want it. If it’s not against Allah’s injunction or harmful to your health, then go for it. It’s a learning process, take it easy with yourself and your spouse as well.
9. No business in the bedroom: Intimacy time isn’t one for which you discuss what to have for dinner tomorrow. Make it a point of interest not to bring up other important conversations until both of you are tired of making love. Remember the female companion who didn’t break the sad news of the loss of their child until she was intimate with her husband. What did the prophet tell her husband? Allah has blessed what you did last night.
10. There’s no one size fit all rule: It’s the responsibility of both couples to find a way to experience intimacy the best way ever. Try new styles or stick with what works best for you. The major limitation Islam sets is to avoid anal sex and during menstrual periods. Besides that, some other issues like oral sex come with divergent opinions from scholars.

PS: Success comes only from Allah! If you find this piece beneficial, it’s by His Grace. It’s no scholarly work and we accept our mistakes. Suggestions are welcomed in making this publication better as well. You are free to share by any means for enlightenment purposes. Kindly give a “click-clap” to enable other readers on Medium to see this post. We ask Allah to keep us guided and steadfast upon the right path. We hope you’d read from us again next time in sha Allah!

Yaumul Jum’ah 2nd Safar 1443H // Friday 10th September 2021.