Techniques for conflict resolution as an Engineering Manager

In a previous post, I looked at the importance of Emotional Intelligence (EQ) for managers. Here’s what I found about how to use EQ when dealing with conflict.

I believe we shouldn’t strive for zero-conflict environments because I suspect those are pretty dead ones.

Conflict is part of our evolutionary past, it’s the way our world works and we can use it to drive us forward or set us back.

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I’ve identified four cases when conflict leads to difficult situations in the workplace.

1. There’s a difference in perception
2. There’s a wrong assumption about intent
3. Feelings go unheard
4. The focus is put on assigning blame

Conflict happens when there’s a difference in perception

Even when we work closely together in a team, we can still have different perceptions of the same reality.

In a recent experience with a new hire, I caught myself thinking that I’m right and the person with whom I disagree thinks he’s right, but I can’t be the problem, because I make sense. What was harder to see was that the other person also made sense. It was our perceptions which were different because:

• we had different information about the same issue/decision
• we had different interpretations of the same issue/decision

Conflict happens when there’s a wrong assumption about intent

Often when we’re in a difficult situation we assume that we know the other person’s intentions. However, intentions only exist in people’s minds and hearts and until they are explicitly expressed, we simply can’t know them.

We ‘guess’ their intention based on the impact of their actions on us. If we feel hurt, we believe they intended to hurt us. This happens so automatically that we aren’t even aware it’s not a conclusion, but an assumption.

Conflict happens when feelings go unheard

Sometimes we become so passionately involved in our work that our emotions affect our ability to think and communicate properly. We feel very upset and if we can’t let our feelings out, we’re also unable to listen to anyone else’s feelings.

Feelings are always at the heart of the matter. We often hear in the workplace diminishing phrases like “Oh, they are just being emotional”. Feelings are reality. We feel them, therefore they exist. Unexpressed feelings can colour a tough situation even more, with sarcasm, passive aggression, impatience, dismissiveness, arrogance etc.

Luckily for me, I’m a bit like a pressure cooker. I can’t hold the steam for long, I have to let it out and move on.

A thing I brought to my founding team is the habit of journaling thoughts and feedback into a shared document. Each of my co-founders has a space to write their feelings and decision-making process. Personally, I find this especially useful when in conflict mode. We can look back and see what was our mind frame at the time and how it has changed over time. To compromise for different communication styles, we often had a follow-up chat in person or on the phone, to clarify things further.

Conflict happens when the focus is on assigning blame

Typically, in conflict mode, we start asking ourselves Who is the bad person? Who made the mistake? Who should apologise first? Who gets to be stubborn and indignant?

Focusing on blame inhibits our ability to learn what really caused the problem and to do anything of significance to correct it.

Blame is about making judgments while effective conflict management is about learning from mistakes, understanding different perceptions of the same reality, and adjusting one’s behaviour for better results in the future.

Techniques to effectively manage conflict

I think the key to good conflict management is self-awareness and empathy, which are elements of EQ. I believe the solution has two parts:

• understanding the other person’s perspective
• finding the common ground

The techniques I’ve learnt while managing people fall into one of the two.

Create a safe space to talk

Both parties need to feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment, ramifications or feeling threatened.

To make a conversation safe, we can:

• Find a mutual purpose. We have to care about the interests of others as well as our own.
• Offer mutual respect. When we perceive disrespect in a conversation, we tend to defend our dignity rather than stick to the original purpose.

When the other person misinterprets our purpose or intent, we can use a contrasting statement that clearly states which message we are not trying to send and then states the one that we are.

“I’m not trying to say that my solution is better than yours. I’m trying to communicate that we both have good solutions and the difference is the speed of implementation”.

Actively listen

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” — Dr. Stephen R. Covey

Active listening in a conflict situation requires us to genuinely be curious about the other person, and be willing to keep the spotlight on them.

To get into an active listening mode, we can:

• Focus on authenticity, not the words. Authenticity means that we are listening because we’re curious and we care, not because we have to.
• Listen to our own internal voice. Curiosity is not a native trait but we can negotiate our way into it by quieting that little annoying voice at the back of our head. It also helps to express our feelings, if we simply can’t.

“I have to admit that, as much as I want to hear what you have to say, I’m feeling a little defensive right now.”

• Ask open-ended questions. “Tell me more about…” “Help me understand what you meant by…”
• Paraphrase for clarity. Repeat out loud, in our own words, what we understand they’re saying.
• Acknowledge the other person’s feelings. Feelings need to be acknowledged, otherwise will stop a conversation from going deeper.

Adopt the ‘Yes, and…’ attitude

The essence of the ‘yes, and…’ concept is to validate that both our view of the situation and that of another person, have value. We don’t have to immediately choose which view is right, but to embrace both views long enough to understand each other and find the common ground.

“I now understand that you walked away feeling isolated and lonely. I also walked away from the meeting feeling unheard and dismissed. Now that we really understand each other, what’s a good way to resolve this problem?”

The ‘yes and…’ attitude allows us to hear the other’s perception of the event without feeling that we have to give up our own.

As a founder, I’ve also experienced this as two conflicting threads in my head at the same time and having to deal with the cognitive dissonance that follows: one is the short-term plan and the other is the long-term vision for our company.

I also used a similar technique, known as a ‘conditional yes’ when I couldn’t directly accept what the other was asking but wanted to keep negotiating.

Learn to separate impact from intent

We often make up stories and add meaning to another’s behaviour without checking if our conclusions are right, then play these stories silently and repetitively in our heads, which convinces us even more that we must be right.

I learnt it’s worth to pause for a second and do a mental check-up of actions, impact and assumption, before leaping into motion:

1. What did the other person actually say or do?
2. What is the impact of their actions/words on me?
3. Based on this impact, what assumption am I making about their intentions?

In entrepreneurship, everything is an assumption until validated by customers. Similarly, our assumptions about others’ intentions are just guesses. What they said or did definitely made us feel something, often bad, but our feelings may be based on incorrect conclusions.

It’s good to frame the conversation by stating what we observed them do or say (actions), how that made us feel (the impact), and our assumption about their intentions, while stressing that the assumption is just that, and it’s open for revision.

Focus on contribution, not on assigning blame

Conflict rarely happens because of one single thing or one person, so it’s useful to ask what was our own contribution to it? The purpose is to learn something about each other, how to work together more productively and healthier next time, rather than repeating the same mistakes.

In conclusion, conflict is a given of life and can drive us forward. With time, the practice of self-awareness and empathy, we can get better at handling it.