Re: I have been there, too.

Kuala Lumpur, 24 Nov 2015

Dear Jox,

When I was a kid, my childhood best friend told me his brother thinks I’m ugly. I clearly remembered that was the first time in my life I actually felt hurt. Because I wasn’t judged based on my academic performance, sports performance, or public speaking skills; I was judged for physical appearance — something I had no control over at that age. I spent about two weeks wondering why.

Then high school happened. I was never a cool kid, and had a hard time trying to fit in. Seniors made it very clear that they preferred to hangout with my best friends only. I was hungry for their approval and validation, so I stayed anyway. One day, when we were hanging out, they left the mall without letting me know. I wasn’t aware of it at first, but when I finally realised what happened, I stood there all alone. I wish I could tell you how hurt that was, but it’s really indescribable.

I created a list in my head. Was I rejected…
Because of my look?
I wish I was pretty.
Because of my social skills?
I wish I could know all the right things to say.
Because I don’t have a Christian name?
It must be hard for them to pronounce my Chinese name, and that’s the reason why they don’t talk to me often.
Because of my fashion sense?
I wish someone can teach me how to doll-up myself.
Because of my short hair?
Maybe with silky long hair, I’d fit in better.

I have moved on. I no longer seek for approval or validation, unless it’s from someone I have great respect for. With the combination of a little talent, a little intelligence, a little attitude, and a little luxuries in life like flowers and books… I think I’m doing okay.

It took quite a lot of courage to do this, because I don’t like to be reminded of my past self. But I’m writing to let you know that I have been there too.

Jox, if only you could see yourself through my eyes — strong, confident, intelligent and beautiful; you are the kind of woman I strive to be. That bullied kid must be proud of you.

Love,
June