Re: We are where we need to be

London, 29 Nov 2015

Dear June,

“It’s bullshit to think of friendship and romance as being different. They’re not. They’re just variations of the same love. Variations of the same desire to be close.”

Winter’s finally here and it’s a perfect excuse to do nothing but settle for Netflix. So yeah…this quote is actually from a crappy movie adaptation of Naomi and Ely’s No Kiss List. It’s about childhood friends- Naomi: naive, change-resistant, and an overly attached h*g…and Ely: trigger-happy, into ephemeral pursuits, and gay.

You probably know how the story goes from here — conflict happens that disrupts the bond, each one finds out their issues with each other, and yeah…the abrupt loss of connection and the gradual bridging of the gap as a resolve in the end. Things will never be the same between them though. There’s distance now.

I think it was a mistake to watch it but by doing so, it made me think of how far I’ve gone being my own person and without being overdependent on a friend, particularly, a gay one.

There are times that I do miss that friend but I can’t really force a connection between us anymore. I admit I expected him to be there for me throughout the transition period especially during the first two hard months.

I wish I felt that I could just tell him everything, every time. I wish he was just ready to take a call or slap me out of being too afraid. I wish I didn’t feel I was bothering him whenever I sent a message. I could not cry for help. I could only pretend to be strong so he wouldn’t freak out because of my vulnerability. I wish I felt he was still a friend…that I could be myself- unfiltered.

I wish he sent me off at the airport.

The closer I get to him, the more my issues get resurrected. So I’ve detached and so has he. I think he had distanced himself from me way before I did. That’s his belief when it comes to connections anyway — just cruising along. And it’s fine. People come and go- no matter how much I fuckin’ hate it.

I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I have bled more than I should in this friendship. He didn’t see it the way I did…the depth.

I hope he knows that I’ll always be proud of him and that I am deeply grateful for our time together. I’ll keep all of our memories intact.

But I can’t stay.

Naomi and Ely talked in the end and they decided to live their lives separately though they would still meet each other from time to time. They also concluded that they are where they need to be.

Yes, we are where we need to be. I am ok now. I’ve found friends here and they are great authentic beings. I still miss all of my friends in KL and of course, you. Sometimes I get unexpected messages from people like “I passed by your apartment the other day and I really missed you at that moment.”

And the most amazing thing is, my high school best friend just contacted me saying that he’s going to be in London in January. He’s one of those few people who know me in and out no matter how much time has passed.

I’ll tell you about him next time.

See you soon…

Jox

***In June 2015, I left Kuala Lumpur for London on my own, without family and friends. As I build my life in this city, I continue to exchange thoughts with a friend back in KL, June. We’ve started this correspondence whilst figuring out adulthood and friendship.