She Never Has a Second Cup at Home

Just Admit It, Part Four

OK, This will feel good, I promise:

1. Google changed a font. Fucking relax.
2. If Pablo Escobar were alive today, he’d be selling coffee.
3. On a single day last week, one in seven people on Earth used Facebook. And that post you thought was so awesome got four likes.
4. You have to admit that it took a hell of lot of courage to say whatever it was that Kanye West was trying to say.
5. Can we stop the faux debate about whether or not we should see the photos the Syrian child who died trying to escape his war torn country. People are living it and we’re worried about having to see it? They don’t call it bearing witness because it’s easy.
6. I bet some of the money raised to build Dismaland was earned by people who own Disney stock.
7. Last week, the definition of Unicorns was changed to startups whose founders and investors weren’t shitting in their pants.
8. There is nothing more irritating than Apple fanboys arguing that Steve wouldn’t have done that or Steve wouldn’t have done this. That said, there’s no way Steve would have emailed Jim Cramer.
9. At one point in the past few days, you realized that all your moralizing about Ashley Madison customers doing bad things was starting to cut in on the time you usually spend doing your own bad things.
10. At my age, Netflix and Chill literally means Netflix and Chill.
11. You pretend you hate having to read email. It turns out you want to read your email and Hillary Clinton’s. (Side note: The Gefilte Fish is a red herring.)
12. Kim Davis has tried being married to a man four times and she has an unreasonable compulsion with publicizing her opposition to the gay lifestyle. Is it just me or does the Scissr ad basically write itself.
13. Everyone thought it was pretty funny when a journalist ran his Segway in Usain Bolt. Except people who invested in Segway.
14. Is there really that much cachet to be gained from being labeled Mayonaise?
15. Landscape photos in Instagram could be the thing that finally makes photo sharing take off. (Pro tip: Even sideways, your photos suck.)
16. It’s probably a decent time to turn off your email auto-response message. You haven’t really been away from office since about 1998.
17. According to AdAge, CNN is charging forty times its usual price for spots during the Trump-fueled GOP debate. An average prime-time spot on CNN costs about $5,000. (Oddly, the most surprising thing about that is that CNN can still squeeze five grand out of anyone.)
18. Nothing feels better than pointing fingers at adults who moved back in with their parents from your own parents’ basement.
19. When Kanye announced he was running for president and dropped the mic, everyone raced to report the news of his 2020 candidacy. Talk about burying the lede. The big news was that Kanye voluntarily relinquished a microphone.
20. Willie Nelson is going to be a lot less excited about his marijuana business when someone tells him about sales tax.
21. Even Tom Brady and Roger Goodell don’t give two shits about Deflategate.
22. Fuck it’s awesome when the Burning Man people are gone.

It’s even more awesome to get Dave Pell’s NextDraft, The Day’s Most Fascinating News.