I see nothing suspicious here…

That Clock is The Bomb

Just Admit It, Part Five (This will feel good, I promise.)

1. You have no fucking idea how to make a clock.
2. When Viola Davis quoted Harriet Tubman, you said something positive, but you thought to yourself, “She knows we’re talking about acting in a TV show, right?”
3. Based on time spent researching: you care about the Syrian refugee crisis. You care more about TV’s late night competition.
4. And open letter to Snoop: You’re a grown fuckin’ man. It’s time to stop giggling about weed.
5. One of your greatest fears is a kid asking you to explain El Nino.
6. You realize Pablo Escobar was a murderer and a maniac. But it was still sort of nice to see someone who shops in the husky clothes section have some success in life.
7. How amazing is it that United’s CEO got squeezed for a reason other than the fact that every flight you’ve taken on United has been terrible?
8. It pretty much sucks to have the name Caitlyn these days.
9. The on-demand economy is huge because there’s nothing more satisfying than making a grown human being do some ridiculous task for like twelve bucks.
10. In the old days, if a kid showed up at school with a homemade clock, you’d just take his lunch money.
11. The people who smoked pot with Jeb Bush 40 years ago are still bored out of their minds.
12. Kim Davis sort of makes any sex seem unappetizing.
13. Facebook already has a Dislike button. It’s called Twitter.
14. Here’s a buzzkill: The GOP debates without Trump.
15. By the time ad-blockers achieve universal usage, we’ll all already be signed up for DraftKings or FanDuel anyway, so it won’t matter.
16. Volkswagen should blame their software glitch on a VW Bug.
17. There are ten companies working on self driving cars and none working on calorie-free Tater Tots.
18. A comedian you’ve never heard of lied about something. Understandably, you don’t care.
19. Some days you want nothing more than to please Marshawn Lynch’s Mom.
20. Among the dinosaurs, there were many asteroid deniers.
21. The big story about the Joe Biden’s interview with Colbert is how shocked we are when we see a politician acting like a normal human being.
22. In a sad, bizarre twist, it turns out Pizza Rat is gluten free.
23. Good media story: Ahmed Mohamed gets to visit the White House to show everyone his clock. Great media story: He’s tackled by Secret Service agents because it turns out that the clock really was a bomb.

Speaking of which, getting Dave Pell’s NextDraft is the total bomb.