You Already Ruined Hanukkah
Just Admit It, Part Six (This will feel good, I promise.)
- Hitler invented the Volkswagen Bug and you were cool with that. But you draw the line when an exhaust pipe emits a few extra invisible particles into the atmosphere. Forget missing out on a Christmas tree. This is why my kids hate being Jewish.
- Speaking on the Oregon school massacre, Ben Carson said: “I wouldn’t just stand there and let him shoot me.” In other words, Trump is no longer the biggest fucking idiot in the presidential race.
- Social Media is one of the few things that can ruin being alone.
- I can’t prove this, but it seems plausible that a couple decades ago, Donald Trump sat down to take a shit and Pharma Bro came out.
- When I want to feel less bloated, I stand next to iTunes.
- Before Peeple launches, you should probably clarify that you were totally joking when you repeatedly referred to several of your friends as a bunch of fucking losers.
- The Pope started his U.S. trip in Congress and finished it with Kim Davis: Pessimum Trinus in Aeternum. (That’s Latin for worst trip ever.)
- Protesting Air France employees literally ripped the shirts off of executives after a they announced planned job cuts. It could have been a lot worse if the protesters hadn’t paused for a previously-scheduled eight week break.
- There was nothing in Microsoft’s latest product launch to make fun of. The Ballmer era is officially over.
- You already bought that new watch. The watch ads can’t figure that out so they keep following you around the Internet for a few more weeks. But I’m sure that self-driving car is totally safe.
- Your Tesla is powered by the electric grid. If your electric grid runs on coal, then your Tesla runs on coal. Long story short: You should have bought the VW Diesel.
- I’d like to see Pharma Bro get caught alone in a dark alley with Letterman’s beard.