You Already Ruined Hanukkah

Just Admit It, Part Six (This will feel good, I promise.)

  1. Hitler invented the Volkswagen Bug and you were cool with that. But you draw the line when an exhaust pipe emits a few extra invisible particles into the atmosphere. Forget missing out on a Christmas tree. This is why my kids hate being Jewish.
  2. Speaking on the Oregon school massacre, Ben Carson said: “I wouldn’t just stand there and let him shoot me.” In other words, Trump is no longer the biggest fucking idiot in the presidential race.
  3. Social Media is one of the few things that can ruin being alone.
  4. I can’t prove this, but it seems plausible that a couple decades ago, Donald Trump sat down to take a shit and Pharma Bro came out.
  5. When I want to feel less bloated, I stand next to iTunes.
  6. Before Peeple launches, you should probably clarify that you were totally joking when you repeatedly referred to several of your friends as a bunch of fucking losers.
  7. The Pope started his U.S. trip in Congress and finished it with Kim Davis: Pessimum Trinus in Aeternum. (That’s Latin for worst trip ever.)
  8. Protesting Air France employees literally ripped the shirts off of executives after a they announced planned job cuts. It could have been a lot worse if the protesters hadn’t paused for a previously-scheduled eight week break.
  9. There was nothing in Microsoft’s latest product launch to make fun of. The Ballmer era is officially over.
  10. You already bought that new watch. The watch ads can’t figure that out so they keep following you around the Internet for a few more weeks. But I’m sure that self-driving car is totally safe.
  11. Your Tesla is powered by the electric grid. If your electric grid runs on coal, then your Tesla runs on coal. Long story short: You should have bought the VW Diesel.
  12. I’d like to see Pharma Bro get caught alone in a dark alley with Letterman’s beard.