Two Paths

(This was originally posted on my blog Selfhood Pending on June 2, 2016. It lives here until I decide to remove it from the Internet.)

You sit at your desk, back erect, staring intently at your computer monitor. It is occupied by a recently-polished spreadsheet, and the keyboard is still warm from the insistent tapping of anxious fingers. It’s silent. Your breath paints the air, cautiously permeating through time — the only indication that it hasn’t frozen.

If only it could.

Your spreadsheet is perfectly formatted. Four columns, countless rows. Two sets of data, each divided into two categories: pro and con. The rows of each section are equally populated. You’ve carefully weighed every factor.

This decision is going to determine your entire future, it needs to be logical. You’ve accounted for everything: location, financial feasibility, overall desirability, potential for future advancement. It’s all there. You just have to contemplate it for long enough, and the right answer will become clear.

You’re sure it will.

Your face becomes taut and wrinkled, as you strain to concentrate on the screen. You begin to tap your fingers on the desk, a restless rhythm from pinky to thumb. Thadum, thadum, thadum. They move faster, evolving from a waltz to a samba.

Buzz. Buzz.

You rip your eyes from spreadsheet, and snatch the phone. You quickly swipe to answer, moving smoothly from the table to your ear.

“Hello?”

“Hi.”

“Oh, hi.”

“Have you decided?”

“Not yet.”

“What’s holding you back?”

“You know it’s not that simple.”

“I thought I knew you, but I’m not so sure anymore.”

“C’mon. There’s so much more to it.”

“There doesn’t have to be.”

You don’t reply.

“Look, I’m sorry. I don’t want to argue with you…Just, promise me you’ll do whatever is going to make you happier.”

You come up short again.

“I know you’re struggling. But, just stop staring at that stupid spreadsheet and just think about it. Think about what you really want.”

You search for the right words.

“Choose the happiness that won’t have to be fabricated.”

“Ugh — ”

Click.

You glare at the phone, holding it in your palm for a moment before returning it to the table, ensuring that it’s face down. You pace, muttering, defending your chart until the anger calms. Then, you resume your place: gazing at your computer screen. Only, your eyes won’t focus on the words there. The pixels blur together into an illegible mass. So, you close the window and stomp over to the couch, careful not to throw yourself down, but sinking into the cushions once you land. A definite improvement.

You turn on the TV and raise the volume until you couldn’t possibly hear the taunts of reality. Under a blanket, engrossed in a movie you’ve seen one hundred times before, you wonder:

What if I just did it, just for the hell of it?

Could it really go all that wrong?

This is a piece of fiction, but I hope it helped you contemplate what drives your decision. What big choice looms before you? Does it scare you? Where does your heart and your mind tell you to go with the decision? Are they saying different things?