32 — Confused, Lonely & Happy (at the same time)
It’s been a long time since I’ve shared my opinions with the rest of the world. Life got in the way, and to tell you the truth, life fucked me.
It’d be good if fucking was enjoyable. But no, this is the type of fuck that makes you cry. The type that makes you cry in self-loathing and makes you doubt your own existence afterward.
I assumed by the time I was 32, I’d have it all figured out. This is the woman who was certain she’d already given birth to two children — a boy and a girl — from the man of his dreams (if he does exist, I start to question his existence now).
It’s as if I’ve gone through a divorce at 32. I’m not talking about divorcing my spouse. I’m talking about divorcing myself.
Yes, I’m talking about you, you wide-eyed, idealistic naive girl who didn’t know any better!
To summarize, the pandemic years reawakened all of my demons. Ha! The ones that require naming, bringing into the light, and exorcising into existence. Return to the hellhole from where you emerged, devils of my existence!
I’m talking about you, my self-loathing, insecurity, childhood trauma, resentments, all those messed-up thoughts that keep us awake at night, those pent-up emotions we shoved to the side when we had functioning anxiety — until it became non-functioning anxiety.
So, in 2020, we canceled our employment contract with our soulless, well-paying boss, who treated us like a number rather than a person. We broke up with our unfaithful ex, who, thank God, we didn’t wind up marrying despite being so hopelessly in love with at the time.
P.S. In context, my mental health rendered me jobless and unemployable for a year. However, alas! We survived the death (of our spirit) like a phoenix rising from the ashes, albeit slowly and painfully… we made it to 2021.
It was the year of atonement (we thought that was).
P.S.S. We worked at an office where we were asked to put our values aside for the sake of profit. But not today, Satan; I may be broke, but I’d rather risk my comfort than jeopardize my character.
We were offered a startup chance and became co-founders. We were able to develop it into the company it is today. We’re raising funds, pre-seeding, and waiting for a huge break to expand into our previous (home) city. Yeah, before I forget. How did we get here?
Well, in March of 2021, we moved to a new home city. That was our literal fresh start, we have had to leave our (home) city of 11 years to start anew. It’s a very reasonable reason for giving up your apartment and relocating after your neighbor was brutally murdered by his adulterous husband. Fun! (*coughs sarcastically*)
We left that place with the expectation of doing some good in that desolate, forlorn environment. With a full 25 square meters of garden beauty, we began to transform our property both indoors and out. Apparently, we have a good green thumb and can turn seedlings, cuttings from random kitchen scraps, and other ‘greenery’ into something that our neighbors — many of whom were bored out of their minds during the pandemic — began to appreciate.
We were able to expand our mini-passion project into what we now refer to as a community “adopt a plant project.” After developing a group of 22 people, I left that location and am now expanding that mental health project into a continual community endeavor. Perhaps that’s something we should be proud of: our ability to continually attempt to turn something bad into something positive. Perhaps that is how we cope.
It’s our rallying cry for wanting something that makes us feel light and hopeful in a world that keeps robbing us of it.
In any case, our new home city is a little different. It’s famed for its trees, fresh fruit, early morning birds singing, and a small group of wealthy snobs who manage the city as if it were their own. We miss our old buddies from back home. We miss its laid-back, no-fucks attitude, where we can walk into shopping malls without worrying if we’re unwashed, still in our pajamas, and wearing our “I just woke up” appearance. Now that we live in a smaller city where we are judged by everyone else based on how we look, even walking to the convenience store means that we must at least look acceptable in order to be treated decently (the level of respect you get is sometimes tantamount to how you look).
We long for the familiar comforts of home in our old city. But we don’t miss the traffic, the noise, the dirt, the pollution, or the secretive neighbors who keep us guessing about what they’re up to. But we like our new home city as well. Some parts of it are very soothing and relaxing. We appreciate how our neighbors from time to time knock on our door to offer us free home-cooked food, chocolates, fruits, and offer random acts of kindness that restore our faith in humanity.
We realize perfect does not exist and that every place has its own version of good and bad.
It reminds me of us. How are we doing? Are we content with our old and recently damaged pieces as well? Do we still have a strong sense of who we were and what we intended to be? Do we like who we are today while we’re in the process of becoming?
I miss my old life and my old personality sometimes. Some days, I wake up grateful for where I am right now. On the other hand, there are days when I feel a strong desire to meet and hug the person I aspire to be.
In general, I feel like I’m a mix of old and new me, with a lot of old and new components inside.
It’s like a machine that follows known patterns but has a few additional cog components that it’s attempting to incorporate into its design.
It runs smoothly on occasion. On other days, the integration does not go as well as I’d want.
I mourn for my old self. Yet, am happy she’s dead and gone.
I don’t want to see her in this world any longer. It’s not that I think she’s worthless; it’s just that I believe it’s pointless for her to continue to be who she was in a world she’s no longer capable of handling. I believe she has done a good job. It’s time for her to lay her existence to rest.
Despite all of her scars and shattered pieces, I respect and honor her. She has gotten me to where I am now. That is something I owe to her. She didn’t know any better, but her fight for light, hope, and love had always been tenacious. That’s something I’ll always admire in her.
To the person, she’s becoming. I admire your bravery. I understand that there are days when you feel like you’re fighting an uphill struggle that you can’t seem to win. But that didn’t stop you from trying despite the fact that the end was out of sight. You took each step with courage, unsure whether the road’s end would lift or break your spirit.
You placed your faith in God. You didn’t let fear hold you back.
To my current self, I wish you luck in finding your equilibrium. I understand that recently, on most days, you wake up frustrated and perplexed. I understand how difficult it is to grow and change. But I admire your determination to do better. I admire you for wanting to change despite the fact that it is unpleasant, painful, and exhausting.
I know it’s not going to be easy, but you’re still trying.
I’m looking forward to seeing what comes out of ‘us’ after this. For what it’s worth, I applaud ‘our’ capacity to remain real supporters and cheerleaders of others as they achieve their goals.
I’m sure “ours” is still to come.
I’m glad we're still able to laugh, cry and clap for the moments of others when we were merely spectators.
I’m thrilled for my best friend, who is doing well in her dental practice. I’m proud of her for the forthcoming birth of her first child this year. For marrying a good man and being part of an affluent family. Bestie, I love seeing you loved, looked after, and happy.
To my friends who have gone overseas, I’ll miss you. But I know our journeys are mapped differently. I will love you still despite our distance.
I hope that one day, my family will be able to love one another more than just because we are related by blood. But I am hopeful that we will be blessed with healing and grace in the future.
I’m still optimistic.
When everything falls into place, I am confident that love will prevail over all sorts of misery, bitterness, and resentments.
To my own self, I release you from the shackles of perfection.
Life does not have to be all sunshine and roses for us to be happy.
We can learn to dance in the rain if we want to.
We will be alright. We’ve made it this far already.
We got this — and remember you’re a baddie!
