My Life is a Mess
But That’s Okay: Musings of an Eccentric First World Teenager
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My life is a mess.
I can’t think straight.
There’s too many things to do and yet nothing to do at the same time.
My mind just keeps going and going and yet staying on one thing all at once.
When my brain starts getting back to its normal rhythm it says,
“Whoa, hold on there, bud, did you forget?
There’s a thousand things left for you to do today!
Quit procrastinating and get to it!
And don’t even try to get away from what’s been on your mind!”
Restless thoughts and sleepless nights,
A head that won’t relax.
My life is a mess.
I am a crowd-pleaser, a yes-man, a people’s advocate.
People invite me places,
And people want me to do this and that,
and I try to satisfy everyone, but more often than not,
I have to refuse,
“I’m sorry, I have to babysit.”
“I can’t, I’ll be out of town.”
“Gotta practice my music/computer science/martial arts right now.”
“I need to focus on another thing tonight.”
My life is a mess.
I never fail to disappoint people.
There’s always something I do,
Something I don’t do,
Something I shouldn't have said,
or something that I should have been aware of already.
I never stop trying, not even for a second,
And I know I shouldn't take it personally when I fail people from time to time,
But sometimes?
Failure is inevitable.
My life is a mess.
She hates me.
The one who cared the most and tried the hardest.
Her, the senior going off to college,
And me, the typical sophomore.
Immature and just like the rest of the guys she’s been with.
She used to tell me, “Everything will end up being okay. Always.”
Now she says, “It will never be okay again or anywhere near okay.”
She used to joke, “Oh you know I do respect you. I’m just sarcastic.”
Now she tells me, “All the respect that I ever had for you is GONE.”
I have made mistakes I can never undo.
She has too many things going on in her life at the moment,
And I certainly haven’t helped at all.
So now we’re at a point where it’s best I leave her alone for the time being.
And I don’t know if she’ll forgive me in two months or two years,
Or even at all.
My life is a mess.
There is never enough time.
Time is always an issue.
Not enough time to hang out with friends,
Not enough time for video games or a Spring Break LAN party,
Not enough time to hold down a relationship with a senior.
I have ambitions and goals,
There are things I want to do,
But for the life of me I can’t find enough time in the day.
I go from one activity to the next,
With only so-so time management skills.
All the while wishing I could do more.
And I heap more on my plate so I don’t have time to think about things,
But somehow?
It still finds its way.
My life is a mess.
I can’t change people.
And trying is something I've been struggling with since forever.
I try to solve other people’s problems,
When I can’t even fix my own,
And when I can’t make other people happy,
Then I’m not happy.
ESPECIALLY when I end up hurting other people unintentionally.
Sometimes it feels like all my words,
All my actions,
Every kind gesture and gentle reasoning,
Mean nothing.
I have a tendency to worry about things I can’t control,
And people’s emotions are at the top of the list.
My life is a mess.
But I can’t just sit here and lament.
I decided to stop that a long time ago.
There’s so many more things to do right now,
So many successes I could be having,
To just give in.
Yes, life hurts,
But putting things in perspective?
I’m a very fortunate guy.
I’m blessed to have a loving family and supportive friends no matter what.
My mind will rest at some point.
It always does.
People understand when I have to say no.
People I fail will come to understand and those instances are few and far between.
The only thing I can do is show her that I’m better than what she thinks,
So I will let go for now and let time do its thing.
And though time will pass by quickly in a different context,
I will always make it work. I always have.
As someone committed to being a heart-mender,
I realize that I still have limits, and that people will be people regardless.
My life is a mess.
And I’m going to make the most of it.
“Around here, however, we don’t look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things, because we’re curious…and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.” — Walt Disney
