Bad Mouthwash

I brush my teeth twice a day and “floss,” of course (WINK), but I’ve just never been a mouthwash person. We didn’t grow up using it and I don’t like how the commercials always shoot from the germs’ point of view — inside a mouth looking out. Makes me feel like a tortilla chip.

But once I was in a CVS buying toothpaste and looked down at the mouthwash area and thought, “Well hey, this could be a fun new wildcard in my routine.” I bought some, I used it. I guess it was a little bit fun. And about a week later my roommate stopped me mid-sentence and asked, “Wait, what’s wrong with your teeth?” I concern-ran to the hall mirror, smiled at myself, and then immediately stopped smiling.

Oh, my god.

It looked like I had just gargled with molasses after chewing tobacco for 35 years. My teeth were brown, with a bunch of dark brown spots in the cracks between them.

I ran from the mirror to the Internet. And I found pages and pages of websites and message boards and Amazon reviews and lawsuits and one hilarious news report from Canada — Consumers Spitting Mad After Mouthwash Turns Teeth Brown.

Crest Pro-Health mouthwash turns your teeth brown. BROWN! Their mouthwash turns your TEETH BROWN. Like it’s opposite day at the Crest factory! And in statements Crest is like, “Oh that? The brown thing? Yeah we know. Not sorry.” (It’s insane how cavalier Crest is about this.) I read through message boards and comments from people who spent hundreds of dollars at the dentist getting the stains removed. One guy said they never went away. Many, many people said they also lost their sense of taste. I was sitting there with ELDERLY COWBOY TEETH and I was PANICKED.

And in my panic, I had a really bad good idea. I ran to the laundry room and then back to the mirror and — you know, this is another one of those moments in my life that’s very striking to type out and read back—but okay: I Magic Eraser-ed my teeth.

That’s right! I Magic Eraser-ed them and it worked! They actually never looked better. And I already know every reason why you shouldn’t do that and you really SHOULDN’T, but also, of course it worked — Magic Erasers are incredible. What can’t they clean?! Not teeth! Man, I dream of getting just barely famous enough to become the spokesperson for Magic Erasers. I don’t know if it’d be a ‘Mrs. Clean’ kind of deal or if I’d have to bulk up and shave my head but either way, I’m into it.