Non-sequitur #1

Working at two different restaurants at the same time is what made me realize how precious morale is; I did the exact same job, often the exact same day, and I was a very different employee at each place.

Regarding cheese, ‘Fefferidge Parm’ would be a great name for one.

We don’t think about being in the aughts or the teens the way we thought about being in the ’80s or ’90s, and not having solid decade identities for 20 years is probably having some effect on us.

One time a waiter approach the table behind me and said disappointedly, “I’m sorry, but these are the smallest forks we have,” and I wanted to turn around so bad it was crazy.

I need to stop referencing how painful it was to pull 25 cactus needles out of my foot because people usually have follow-up questions.

Doesn’t “The all-new Chevy Cilantro” sound like it already exists?

Looking at a bottle of wine from 2015 and saying, “Oh my god, this expired in 2015,” is hands-down my favorite pastime.

Whoever invented white chocolate needs more practice.

My friend Nico knows a guy whose friend thought “quesadilla” was Spanish for “What’s going on?” and I think that’s so hilarious but I do kind of get it.

“Stewardesses” is a fun password because it’s one of the longest words you can type with one hand.

Most of my clothes are ‘wet clean optional’.

Most American toilets flush in E flat.