I Have So Many Decisions To Make In My Lifetime
I have never felt more overwhelmed.
The Post-Graduate Life is stifling and ripe with questions surrounding “what’s next?” and “have you finally figured out what you’re going to do with your life?”
I feel like I have mostly come up with an answer for myself that I feel proud of, but the constant circling of questions from neighbors, relatives, friends and family are only making my head start to spin faster.
I know that ultimately, my answers will be clear and concise, and I will be able to speak about my future with confidence. But, for right now, the inner doubts are starting to creep in.
I don’t know why I have so much self-doubt in some of my decisions. Granted, most of them now don’t revolve around the whole “what am I going to do with my life” theme that took over most of my mental breakdowns in my second and third years of college. But, I do have plenty of doubt about where I see myself obtaining my Master’s degree in Nursing. I have no idea where I see myself planting my roots as a young female finally moving out of her parent’s house.
I toured my top two choices for graduate schools this past week. As much fun as I had with my mom driving across the state of Wisconsin, I can’t help but feel incredibly overwhelmed. I think that all the changes in my life that are about to be made are going to destroy some relationships I have with some people. I’m scared of going long-distance with my boyfriend, who is ultimately the only person I have ever seen spending the rest of my life with.
Moving away from my family is going to be a big step. None of my close friends have really lived on their own yet, so I’ll be the first. The first to move out of our spoiled and stuck-up hometown. The first to make my own experiences. The first to see what life is like outside our “comfortable” bubble. The first to live in her own apartment. And plenty of more firsts on top of that too.
I am not afraid of moving out. I am afraid of making the wrong decision. I am afraid of not pleasing others regarding my decision (which, yes, I recognize is kinda stupid). I fear that a lot of people in my life are going to withdraw because I’m going to be gone. I don’t know what the outcome will be with me moving out and starting a brand-new chapter of my life.
I am overwhelmed. (And I’ll say it again! Loud and proud for the people in the back!)
My mind flips on me every single day. I wake up thinking something different from the day before. I’m ready to move out of my parent’s home. Then, all of a sudden, I’m not. It would be so much easier without the anxiety of being alone for me to make my decisions. My indecision is eating away from the inside out of my brain. My inability to make decisions is tearing myself away from feeling excited about my future.
I have decisions to make, and when I feel my anxiety starting to peak, my parents look at me with big and bright eyes telling me how proud they are. And, as much as I do appreciate that, they always end by telling me, yet again, that I have “plenty of options” which only makes my anxiety spiral even deeper.
I am proud of my accomplishments, and I have been accepted to every single school I have applied for. And, not to be cocky, I am sure that I will be receiving at least two more acceptances in the next month. I got into some exclusive programs already.
But, I don’t want to think about that now. Because I want to stop feeling overwhelmed for just a little while.
Originally posted on https://www.justscurbbingalong.blogspot.com on August, 17th 2021.
