Worth

Reflections on this Self

Photo by Sabrianna on Unsplash

Worth

Let me set the stage in a cryptic way. I am 44. I am in therapy again. I really thought I was done with whatever it is this is where no matter how hard I try or want something, how much of myself I give to something, or to someone, no matter how hard I try to believe, it falls apart in spectacular ways that seem to me, a bit much. Outside of normal. Extra.

I want what I have always wanted: love, family, belonging, safety, peace, joy, acceptance, belonging — oh, I’ve said that twice. I think that is probably because wow, wow do I ever want that. I know Brene Brown says something about belonging, vs. fitting in, vs. whatever it is that I have going on now, and I know that when it comes to me, and maybe a lot of us — just maybe — there’s this logical part that gets it. I get what happened. I get why it happened. I get what went wrong. I get what I could be doing to be better. But I am not sure how to connect this logical thinking part with the part in my body that is just basically always hurting, crying, wanting, missing, aching, hoping, feeling, wishing.

I hear a lot about my value, and my worth, and how I do not have these things for myself. I look around my life and think well, I value me. I value how I can write, I value how much I love to read, I value my body and am happy with how I look, I like who I am as a person who…