La Mancha Screwjob

I’ve been married twice. The first time was to my high school sweetheart. One of my high school sweethearts anyways. The safe one. The one who wouldn’t hurt me. The one who wouldn’t leave me and I loved him like a best friend. He held on tight and he told my stepdad to get the fuck out when my mom and stepdad came by to tell me how ashamed they were of me and what an awful person I was and how disgusted they were when they looked at me. I was 8 months pregnant. I just cried. But Jason told them to get the fuck out of our apartment. We were 19. We had nothing to our names besides a Gateway computer on loan. We slept on the floor together until I bought a bed from a garage sale. Jason knew me and still accepted me. The thing is back then, I thought it was wrong to be queer still. I thought having sex before marriage was wrong too. I thought I was disgusting like my stepdad had said. And Jason told me it was all ok. He was fine with me loving women too. He was fine being my husband and best friend. And he was an amazing friend to 19 year old me. I feel lucky to have had that.

When I was 24 I was stationed in San Angelo, Texas and our friendship fell apart. Jason had not worked for a few years and looking back I think he was depressed. He wasn’t able to do much during the day beyond making lunch for the two kids. I came home to a trashed place every night after work. I felt very abandoned in our relationship and my response was to start to go out more after the kids went to bed. Even when I was there with Jason, my focus was not on fixing our issues. I cared more about hacking and playing some Elder Scrolls game than him at the time. Whatever he needed to get back on his feet was the opposite of what he received form me. His anger escalated and a sweet person now broke things, punched walls, screamed and cried. He called his parents and told them I had been dating women. I had all through our relationship but this news spread like a fire through both of our families. My mom drove from California to Texas with my young siblings in tow. They must have been 12, 13, and 14 at the time — All fired up with Christian riotousness. They told me again how disgusting I was. It was a chorus of Christians. My stepdad couldn’t be there, so he called my commander to out me. This was during don’t ask don’t tell and it could have ended my military career. Fortunately, whoever received that call, chose to ignore it. My mom wouldn’t agree to let me be until I agreed to go with her to a Christian minister and be counseled about my ungodly ways. I agreed. I was so worn down by then. Anything so she would go. I felt like the worst person in the world but I couldn’t stop being queer. I went and my mom left.

A few weeks later I started cutting myself to get some relief. First just a little. Then a lot. The blood running down my wrists making me feel better. Cutting the wrong direction — across my wrist instead of parallel to my arm. I did and didn’t want to die. I thought, maybe they will take me away. Maybe they will put me somewhere else. Maybe they will see how much pain I’m in and let me rest. The Air Force gave me antidepressants. They let me move onto base. I exercised a ton and managed my food intake, dropped tons of weight, and just kept hurting myself. I would go and spend time with the kids after work until they went to bed. Then I’d spend the night in my tiny base apartment. Sometimes alone, sometimes not, but mostly alone, and mostly numb.

So when I play this song, La Mancha Screwjob, I think about how lonely I am. I play it on repeat while I drive.

I screwed it up so many times before

I’m like a hoodlum, like a hoodlum

But when you’re near I wanna stop the war

And be a porch bum, be a porch bum

I guess I want to apologize

As I looked you in the eyes

We’ll break through to the other side

And that’s a promise

I just want that with someone. I want someone I stop for. I don’t know if it’s rational. I don’t know if it’s real. And then when the bridge hits I tear up:

I love life with you

With you

I love life with you

With you

I’m an early riser

Since the day I met you

And I love life with you

With you