⚔️ How battling with anxiety has made me a better person & employee

My wife and I just had our first baby. We were living with my wife’s parents while we closed on our house. I was a few weeks into a new job, which included commuting two hours a day in heavy traffic. I was sleeping maybe a couple of hours a night, and my mind was constantly focused on our financial burdens.

One night every fear, anxiety, struggle, and burden woke me up in what I thought was a heart attack. Before I knew it, the paramedics were shouting my name as I went in and out of consciousness. After rushing me to the hospital, giving me something to calm my nerves, and testing my brain and heart, we ruled out that I did not have a heart attack or seizure. My incident was more likely an extreme case of anxiety that led to a panic attack in my sleep. The solution: anxiety and sleep medication.

Over the next two weeks, my anxiety was even worse. I couldn’t even drive to work without feeling like I was going to have a panic attack. Sometimes I’d have to pull over and focus on my breathing so I didn’t pass out. When I had meetings, I would get shortness of breath and felt like the walls were closing in. It took all my strength to not get up and run out of the room. I felt weak, helpless, and like my mind was out of control.

The sleeping pills helped with sleep but always left me groggy the next day. The anxiety medicine also did the same. But there was something inside me that told me it didn’t have to be this way. We all deal with anxiety and stress, so why did I lose control?

As I journey on the path to controlling anxiety, here are a few ways I’ve learned to empower myself rather than giving anxiety control:

🙋‍♂️ My opinion is valid

A large source of my anxiety came from team meetings. Everyone would be discussing an issue, but I couldn’t engage because I was too scared I would sound stupid. As the meeting clock would tick, my anxiety would rise, making it that much harder to jump into the conversation. But how often do we say something, everyone laughs, then calls us stupid? (If you answered “often,” please get a new job.) It’s important to remember that our perspective can easily be skewed, especially about ourselves. I spend my day as a UX designer trying to have empathy for other people, but I need to also practice having empathy for myself.

I spend my day as a UX designer trying to have empathy for other people, but I need to also practice having empathy for myself.

To help remind me of my value, I decided to bring a physical reminder to each meeting. For me, that item was a simple cup of water. When I want to say something but my lips are frozen, I take a sip of my drink. At that moment I tell myself, “Your team supports you and wants your opinion. Now just say it!” My rule is that after that sip, I have to speak. I have no other choice but to speak. Once I break that seal, it’s so much easier to jump into the rest of the conversation. It’s kind of like your first pee once you are drunk. You just can’t stop after you break the seal.

Remember, you are valid, your opinion is valid, and there is a reason you are a member of your team. Don’t wait too long to break your seal…just pee! I mean, say something.

🤗 It’s okay to fail

Feeling like the success or failure of a product partially rests on my shoulders fostered an overwhelming amount of anxiety. I thought I was constantly going to get fired if my work didn’t meet this imaginary bar that I made for myself. But what does failure actually look like in my role? If I’m validating my work through the user of the product, then how could I be failing? The team and I implemented shorter sprints followed by user testing and then iterating on our previous work. This helped us identify potential problems and validate any assumptions we had, taking another weight off all of our shoulders.

Whether the overwhelming pressure comes from work or wanting to be a great husband/wife/parent, take some time and think about what will actually help you be successful. Make a plan of action and then stick with it. You should constantly be iterating and improving because you’re always learning from your mistakes.

✌️ Being organized brings me peace

Another way I conquered the overwhelming feeling of anxiety was to become more organized at work. Structure helped me know what my week was going to look like ahead of time rather than running from one thing to the next. I use Notion to keep track of my weekly agenda. Within it, I have to-dos and meetings with links to the meeting notes. Our team has also adopted other new tools that have helped us become more organized and efficient. It doesn’t matter what part of your life you are trying to organize. Define your day/week/month/year. Life will happen, and you’ll have to adjust, but at least you’ll be ready to adjust.

👩‍💼 Build a better relationship with your boss

I am very lucky in this area. My boss is out of this world amazing. We have weekly 1-on-1’s that have helped me understand my role at Kabbage on a more holistic level. Rather than focusing specifically on the physical work I’m producing, we have conversations around how I am doing, what my working relationships are like, if I’m communicating properly and efficiently with my coworkers and if they are communicating properly and efficiently with me. We discuss life, people, etc, and reflect it back to my position and how it affects me. Not everyone will be as lucky here. Let’s be honest, there are more shitty bosses than amazing ones. But that doesn’t mean you can’t connect with your boss. In the end, the more you connect with your boss, the more they will be open and honest about the job you are doing. That means you’ll leave the meetings knowing where you stand and you’ll have a game-plan to fix any shortcomings.

If your boss isn’t proactive, set up a meeting with them and come prepared with questions. Remember, this isn’t an interrogation on either side. You want to constantly improve, but you need clarity to do that.

PS: 1-on-1’s aren’t just for your professional life. Have a date with your partner once a week. Think about questions beforehand and get to know them and their perspectives on things. For example, I love to talk to my wife about our family’s goals and future visions. This doesn’t have to break the bank either. Most of our date nights are to local coffee shops.

👤 I’m not a fraud, so stop hiding

Imposter Syndrome [im-pos-ter sin-drohm]
“Anxiety or self-doubt that results from persistently undervaluing one’s competence…”

Going from a design role that was broad to a more specific role like UX, I felt like I didn’t really know what I was doing. I felt like I was a fake and eventually someone would call me out. But just like any job, if you are able and willing to solve problems presented by your role, then you deserve a seat at the table. The funny thing is, I was constantly getting great feedback and was always in pursuit of getting better at my job. The real issue was the way I was working. I needed to stop hiding from my team in the hopes that no one would catch me and incorporate more team members into the project. This would help validate the work while more efficiently achieving the project goals.

You are not a fraud and you have accomplished more than you think. So prove yourself wrong! Make a list of all the things you’ve accomplished up until now. How did those accomplishments get you to the position you are in today? Once you’ve built a foundation for your successes, think about ways to continue fostering growth. For me, this meant being more vulnerable and giving my team more clarity into my work. Perhaps it’s making a quick demo of a feature you are working on and walking through it with your team. Remember, you are valuable but not as valuable as your team + you. Including them will only further validate your work and help you feel more competent.

✏️ I don’t need to have all the answers

I thought that I was hired because I have a skillset, and within that skillset, I should have all the answers. So when I was asked a question that I didn’t know the answer to, I immediately had anxiety and scrambled to give some sort of answer. But here is a little secret: nobody has all the answers. We are all here to learn and grow, and not knowing something is just an opportunity to grow.

When someone asks you a question and you don’t know the answer, let them know you’ll find out — even if it’s a few days later. Don’t get defensive because someone doesn’t understand something or they want to see the reasoning behind something you did. Always thank them for their question and remember, finding an answer is just another opportunity to learn something.

😊 Big Takeaway

Anxiety is just another emotion. Anxiety runs hand in hand with anger, happiness, sadness, fear, and all the other emotions you can feel. No matter what, you will feel anxiety. We just need to learn how to embrace anxiety more. For example, I use it as a trigger to keep myself accountable. If I’m starting to feel anxious, I’m letting something slip between the cracks and need to reevaluate my day/week/month. Or maybe I’m feeling anxious because I don’t want to be uncomfortable. But now I use anxiety as a reminder that I need to constantly push myself and embrace being uncomfortable. Remember, define your causes for anxiety, find solutions, use anxiety as a way to keep yourself accountable, and get uncomfortable.