Brain Blame
You aren’t good enough. You are going to let everyone down. Your efforts will never measure up.
The closest person to me in my life tells me these things constantly. When I hear it, I try to justify and defend myself. However much it hurts to hear, I know deep down inside it’s true. She knows exactly what to say to make me question everything. I feel like I am in an unhealthy, co-dependent relationship where I constantly take the abuse, but can’t distance myself — because that person is me.
Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t stand in front of the mirror and actively bad mouth myself. My brain is far too clever for that kind of outward self-flagellation. The way I know these thoughts are present is when I see them manifest in different parts of my life, from my interactions with friends and co-workers to not being able to pick out clothes in the morning. Even when trying to decide what to eat for dinner.
I deal with this a majority of the time. I am working on it. Some days are good, and some days are bad. When I am at my best, I am positive and energized. Full of life and easy going. When I am at my worst (and my brain starts getting clever), I question everything around me. I assume that no one has confidence in me. I convince myself that I do not belong. I go down a path of judgement and get stuck in my judger pit of self pity and doubt. (Check out Marilee Adams and her work on the choice to go down a path of Learning or Judgement)
I think about this kind of stuff all the time. Why am I the way that I am? Why am I a highly emotional person? Why do I get angry so quickly sometimes, over the smallest and most insignificant things? Through work with my therapist and a lot of honest conversations with myself, I realized it all comes down to one thing: fear.
Fear is the catalyst that drives my negative reactions. I feel fearful because I am afraid of failing and failure is not an option because others will not think I am good enough. And if others do not think I am good enough, then what? Even just now, I struggle to complete that last sentence. Ironically, I find comfort in the question “then what?” If others do not think I am good enough, then what? What is the worst that could happen?
An example: Our Product and UX teams recently merged into one super-duper awesome-sauce team. To get to know each other on a deeper level, we participated in an offsite that focused on learning about ourselves and team connectedness. As an activity, I was in a small group that focused on solving issues with process for a particular function with which I am involved. As we were presenting our ideas to the larger group, the focus quickly shifted to me and how I was personally affected by the current lack of process. I immediately felt embarrassed, ashamed and upset. Why was my co-worker only talking about me? Why would he do that to me? Everyone is going to think that I am conceited. I just want to hide under a rock.
I was so horrified that I felt the need to speak directly to my manager AND his manager about what had happened. I explained that I DID NOT think our presentation was all about me, and I was embarrassed by what my co-worker had said. And then something wonderful happened. My boss’s boss straight up told me that his least favorite quality about me is that I worry too much about what other people think. And even though I thought everyone was focused on me, the reality is most people are focused on themselves. (Thank you, boss’s boss for your direct honesty.)
And even though I thought everyone was focused on me, the reality is most people are focused on themselves.
This had a big impact on me. After reflecting on what happened, I realized that I wasn’t upset at my co-worker. My fear of failure had made me believe things that were not true and my way of dealing with it was to blame.
I share all of this not to give solutions. I do not have the answer for how to get over negative self talk that ultimately results in negative behavior. I share to tell you that you are not alone. And never will be. And, in the spirit of kinship, I want to share some of the things that have helped me along the way.
Putting Your Thoughts on Trial
The purpose of this technique is challenge your thoughts to reach reality. In my situation, I was worried that everyone thought I was conceited. During reflection, I asked myself, “Did you do or say anything that would give people the impression you think you are conceited?” I came to the conclusion that I had not boasted and therefore, did not give anyone a reason to think it was all about me.
Finding the Evidence
To take it one step further, ask yourself, “What evidence do you have that proves your thoughts are true?” Most of the time, we cannot find any. We are only thinking about what we should have done. Stop should-ing all over yourself- You are worth more than that!
The Stop Technique
And if all else fails, shock yourself out of your mental prison through the physical act of yelling “STOP”. This is a trick that is meant to get yourself out of your head so that you can be objective with yourself. I have done this successfully a handful of times. I recommend practicing in the comfort of your car where you can yell as loud as you fancy without scaring anyone.
I’ve done a lot of work with my therapist to learn how to deal with these issues. Notice I didn’t say fix, there is nothing to fix. This is who I am and it is up to me to learn how to manage it. Ideally, I would have mastered the art of recognizing these triggers in the moment by now. But, I am human and it takes me a little while to reflect on and understand my behavior. However, for all the times that I struggle to understand, I rely on these tools to guide me through the process.
I don’t know if I will ever be able to fully prevent my brain from turning on me. No one can control the uncontrollable. I do, however, have influence over one thing: the way I choose to react to it.
So the next time you find your brain traveling down the path of negativity and blame, ask yourself the following questions, “Where is this coming from? What am I afraid of? Did I do anything that warrants these thoughts?’ And most importantly, repeat this as many times as you can: “I am okay. I am safe. I am loved.” And you are — always and forever.
Alternate captions for my title photo:
“I woke up like this”
“If I look confused, it is because I am”
“Don’t call me Angry Annie”
“It took me longer than you think to do my hair”
“This is my good side”
