Emotional Labour: A Primer
(A review of a MetaFilter thread & annotated GoogleDoc)
The Mary Sue published a link to the original MetaFilter thread and an excellent annotated GoogleDoc on the subject of Emotional Labour. I read the GoogleDoc in its entirety during the short flight from Seattle to Palo Alto. I mention this detail as the document could, at the onset, seem intimidating due to the length, but as I’m going to illustrate, it’s well worth the read and something from which everyone would benefit. It will take a couple of hours to read, maybe as many as three. Think of it not as an article or essay but as a novella. Given how easy it is to fritter away a couple of hours on Facebook or Reddit, this is not a huge commitment and a much better use of time, trust me.
Until I read this piece I didn’t appreciate what emotional labour is, how an imbalance in distribution of EL has played out in the few toxic relationships I’ve had, and the overall model such an imbalance creates throughout society. It is a lot to process, and even more so when we consider interconnectedness in all things, which is to say, nothing doesn’t effect something, and everything we do, say and think matters. There is no ‘over there’ and ignoring interconnectedness is one of the most dangerous things we can and do do.
I want to be clear that I am not pointing to unequal distribution of emotional labour as the sole reason for complex social problems. There is always a multiplicity of causes for all conditions. That’s what interconnectedness is. In the words of Elizabeth Mattis-Namgyel:
“Everything leans.”
The world’s problems will not be solved if we solve the unequal distribution of emotional labour, but the unequal distribution of emotional labour is a factor in the world’s problems, and we need to address it if we’re going to grow as a society. For me, that was probably the biggest takeaway from this piece, but I want to go a bit deeper to illustrate just how beneficial it would be for everyone to read through it.
Emotional labour is part of the human experience, and the unequal distribution of it is a social problem we all have a role in addressing. In the thread and the Google Doc, it is defined as:
The effort of showing care, of caring about the people & environment around us.
The thread is a genuinely beautiful example of compassion in action. People came together to talk about a shared experience which many of them didn’t realise was shared—to relate across embodiments, backgrounds and experience.
It transforms ‘I am suffering’ to ‘there is suffering’ by exposing how an imbalance in emotional labour is not just a problem between one or two couples. It takes the familiar trope of ‘women — such nags!’ and ‘Men — just big babies!’ and shines a spotlight on it to see what’s actually going on. It shows how often women are expected to carry the emotional burden of organising social calendars, family gatherings and ‘home comforts’ while men are expected to be breadwinners and deal only with ‘practical’ matters. While this may seem obvious, it’s really emphasising the unfair burden these rigid expectations put on everyone, regardless of sex or gender.
Throughout the thread, it becomes apparent that emotional labour is not only practical but essential. Think of how often, in an elderly couple, when the wife dies the husband is expected to decline quickly, while in reverse the woman will often live for many, many years longer. The emotional labour dynamic of the 50s — where women took care of the house and home — rendered men utterly incapable of self-care. When their wives died, they lost social connections and were often unable to meet their most basic needs.
This is not to say that women are at fault when men rely on them so much—as the thread points out. The societal expectation is that women are somehow better at emotional labour, possibly even ‘naturally’ inclined to it, while men are not. Along with the assumption that women are better at it is the assumption that somehow, for women, it’s less work. The stories in the thread illustrate that this is entirely untrue. Showing care on a regular basis, while rewarding, is also taxing. It takes time and energy and effort, and it doesn’t matter what shape your genitals are or how you identify your gender, unpaid emotional labour is work.
When we talk about emotional labour, name it and identify it through anecdotes and discourse, we are not just talking about sexism or the expectations of women versus the expectations of men. We are not just talking about patriarchy and misogyny. We are not just talking about definitions of masculinity, femininity and nature versus nurture. We are talking about all these things, definitely, but we are also talking about marginalisation in general.
The thread points out that it’s not a case of men versus women but those who choose or are expected to do the job of emotional labour, versus those who aren’t or don’t. It just happens to play out an awful lot in the male/female dynamic, which speaks to the larger societal problems of systemic sexism and the value our society puts on aggression and ‘logic’. We are taught to see emotions as irrational, socialising as frivolous, and caring roles as void of economic worth, despite ample evidence to the contrary.
From a bigger picture view, this document speaks to how a patriarchal society based on toxic definitions of masculinity creates leaders who do not take on emotional labour.
This plays out in dynamics of privilege as well. For example:
White people who choose not to do the work they have to do to address systemic racism because, even though they live with it every day, racism doesn’t ‘touch’ them the way it does people of colour.
People in developed countries who don’t step up to demand sustainability in production because we don’t live with the obvious destruction due to climate change and over-population in places like India, Afghanistan or Syria.
So-called ‘able-bodied’ people who don’t consider accessibility in their public or private life because they’ve never personally faced difficulty in boarding a bus, getting around their office or going to their favourite cafe.
If we do the emotional labour in these situations, we own how we feel, rather than telling someone their delivery was off or demanding reassurance that we are a ‘good’ person. Unfortunately, rather than recognising a defensive reaction within ourselves as an area where we could self-reflect and grow a little, we tend to flip it. We often expect the marginalised individual, who has already taken a huge risk in speaking up in a world that works very hard to silence them, to then absolve us of our guilt or shame.
This was illustrated in the thread when women shared how they tried to bring EL imbalances up with their partner, only to be pushed further into their role by needing to offer comfort to their partner because this news was upsetting for him. I know this dynamic personally and can speak to how there are exceptions. As a queer woman, I’ve never been in a relationship with a man, but have taken on the burden of emotional labour and have been met with aggression, denial and tears for daring to point this out to past partners.
Another key aspect of the thread was establishing the fact that not performing emotional labour isn’t an option. Emotional labour is necessary and often, when the people expected to perform it decide not to, there are unpleasant repercussions. Within a relationship dynamic this can mean abuse, violence or divorce. Societally we see it within social activism, as mentioned above. One group seeking equality is also expected to do the emotional labour on top of all the lobbying and social action, e.g. Make sure you don’t ‘hurt someone’s feelings’ while calling out racism, sexism or trans*phobia.
Emotional labour is necessary work that takes time and energy, the distribution of it throughout society is inequitable, but someone has to do it.
In short, this is a valuable qualitative document examining a very real social problem. Read it, and I guarantee you will start noticing it in your life, which is an essential step. We cannot change that which we do not see.
This is my job! Kill the myth of the starving artist and please leave me a tip if you enjoyed this piece and want to help support me write more. Also, please click the green heart to recommend it, and share it through social media.
I would like to extend my gratitude to the many individuals who contributed to the original thread on MetaFilter, as well as those who took the time to condense this qualitative data into the annotated GoogleDoc.
