I had only ever heard of the Butterfly Effect in theory. Something I didn’t realize I would be experiencing very soon. At least that is what I think I can allude the events of the past two years to. It is only in retrospect that I realize that the Butterfly Effect is what it was. In the moment, I didn’t know that one isolated event would change everything that followed and would throw the entire trajectory of my well thought-out life plan and career path off track.
Never underestimate the ability of one minor event, phone call, or email to flip your entire world upside down into absolute, utter chaos which ultimately can impact so many things including your perception of yourself, the path you were treading and your literal, entire existence.
Pardon me for sounding a tad too dramatic. Unfortunately any other reaction here would be wildly inappropriate.
That one phone call a week before what was supposed to be my start date, telling me that my software engineering internship at a well-known investment firm was cancelled “due to these unprecedented times” changed EVERYTHING. What followed was a series of events involving me not finding any other internships because it was too late in the game, which soon segued into me not having a return offer upon graduation for a full time role unlike most of my peers, which soon became a full year of unemployment after graduation. Honestly, if I had a dollar for every time I questioned why this happened, or felt upset about the chain of events that unfolded after I got that call, I would have sailed through my year of unemployment lavishly.
I couldn’t help but wonder what the purpose of this was. Was there a purpose at all? Or was this just a random fateful occurrence that ended up (what seems like right now) ruining my life? Since April 2020, I have repeatedly pondered over the ‘why’ but it seems absolutely fruitless. Sure, I have grown from the experience. Sure, I have gained some things that I would not have if the internship had happened as planned. Sure, I am still a little bitter about how easy some of my peers have it, those who got full-time return offers from their internships without having to go through the extremely strenuous, intellectually challenging, rigorous process of full time job interviews and coding challenges.
I am trying to look at the bigger picture here. I am trying to understand what my experiences are teaching me. I am trying to keep my spirits high, to have grit, and to persevere. I am happy that I gained a few things that I would have lost out on if the internship happened, like my WHOLE mathematics degree. But I also cannot help but wonder — when is all of this going to be worth it? When will I be able to piece everything together? What is the path I am destined to take? What is it that I want to accomplish, and how? I guess as time goes on, I’ll have these questions answered.
That being said, this is only one side, the ugly side, of the coin. There are several people who have been dealt the other side of the coin, with far more favorable outcomes. They have thrived, accomplished great milestones, been happy, and had plenty of things go their way since the start of the pandemic. And I am happy for them, truly.
It sucks that I was dealt the side with unfavorable outcomes that made my life more challenging than it could have been. But when I look back, I did also have a few things go my way. Even if the things that didn’t go my way are more in number than those that did, it would be unfair of me to deem the past two years as 100% unpleasant. It did give me a lot to ponder while my unemployed ass was crashing on a friend’s couch.
