The Ping and Pong of an Unchallenged Mind
I have written about my challenges with generalized anxiety disorder and the steps I am taking to learn to live with it. Life has improved in leaps and bounds since my last post, and for that, I am incredibly thankful.
Today I want to share an unexpected challenge I ran into, to remind and encourage everyone to not get too complacent. To be on the lookout for those routines, we create for ourselves that fools us into a false sense of contentment, and comfort.
As I sit here at Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris with the smell of coffee in the air, it is a far cry from where my day started yesterday.
Taking a step back
The day started out rather plainly. The trip was about to embark on was not sprung on me, I have planned it for some time. As the day progressed, however, an old familiar feeling started to creep up inside me. “What is this?” I thought to myself. That was a rhetorical question as I knew what it was, but where is it coming from? I thought I had this beat. This is not part of my life anymore.
The “this” I am referring to is of course anxiety, panic, false brain messages interpreted as fact. Just thinking about it again makes my stomach turn. It is unpleasant as hell, to put it mildly, and for anyone that lives with this, you know this has the potential to stop you dead in your tracks.
A couple more steps back
Let me provide some context. Twice a year, the company I work for has a big get together. As a distributed workforce, it is an essential part of the company culture. A way for people to reconnect face to face.
Due to everything that has happened in my personal life over the last 2 years, I have not attended one of these events in, well, two years. This year however I felt that I have gathered up most of my marbles, my family was supportive, and so, it was off to Canada I go!
Canada here I come
First, there was some paper- and legwork to be done. There’s the online application that involved completing forms with information about all my past travels, bank account statements, selfie, passport selfie, my family history and even that of my parents, who have both passed away. Forms completed and submitted, the wait began.
I knew it was going to be a close one if it worked out at all, and so with two days to spare, I went to pick up my brand spanking new Canadian VISA. All and all, I have to say the process was tedious but pretty smooth.
Back to Sunday
With the VISA sorted and my bags packed, all I had left was time. Not being in a rush was great, but, it also meant I had time to think. That then is where the problems started ;)
I started to think about all the things that could possibly go wrong on the way, back at home, at the meetup, and of course, on the way back. That is a lot of stuff to ruminate over. And so the downward spiral began.
Turns out, I have created a very comfortable daily routine for myself, and if I did not fuck with it, all is well. This trip, however, well, it was going to take me well out of my routine and comfort zone(aka, fuck with it), queue misery and indecision. It is the indecision more than anything else that drives me, and those around me, up a wall.
The internal dialog, the back and forth, the wanting, convincing oneself that all will be fine. The exhilaration of deciding to face it all and move forward, the disappointment in oneself when you paint those vivid scenes of detriment. The heaviness in the pit of your stomach that you struggle to identify as either fear or excitement. The knowledge that all will be fine, but the lack of trust in oneself to believe, let go, just fall forward and let come what may.
In the end
I did it. I stood my ground. I told the universe, and myself, screw it. I am not turning away, I am turning towards fear and uncertainty. I choose to live my life on my terms. I choose to be uncomfortable, and I am so glad I made that choice.
I am back home now after a fantastic week of firsts. First time in Canada. First time seeing snow up close. First time seeing a black bear in the wild. This experience has taught me that we should always be challenging ourselves to step outside of our comfort zone. To not get too comfortable. To not get too used to the warm, cozy blanket of the familiar. We need to spread out wings. We need to step out and claim our place in the sun.
It does not have to be a grand gesture such as this. It does not have to be physically going somewhere new or unfamiliar. It could be publishing that post that has been sitting in drafts for 3 months, sending that tweet directing people to a new project you launched. It could also “simply” be the act of being vulnerable, being honest, being open.
