A Fresher’s Guide to Intellectual Domination
I know why you are here. Finding yourself waking up at night haunted by the question, what if they don’t know? I mean how can they? You pictured yourself as Mr. Ashoka after getting that offer letter but the pandemic crushed your dreams. You suddenly hear all the stories about the grief that this virus has caused. I know.
That’s why some of us who were just like you decided to make this easy 6 step guide to mitigate the repercussions of this nightmare you find yourself in.
Follow them and your freshers batch will know without a doubt that you are indeed the perfect blend of woke and edgy, even through an online module!
1. Believe in yourself! This is the most important step, and crucial for all the other steps.
2. Now, in your freshers group, find a time when people are discussing what TV show they like the most and whenever there is a 2 second silence, insert a popular opinion, eg, “capitalism sucks ass man.”
3. You’ll suddenly find yourself being overwhelmed with messages like, “DEATH TO BEZOS”, “Marx is my daddy” and “true, Kangana Ranaut isn’t doing enough to hold up its values.” This is your moment, you have ended capitalism and earned enough good will. Now is your time to shine.
4. Insert a controversial view. eg, ”watery maggi isn’t actually THAT bad.” The key to this one is, you have to really believe in this. So introspect really hard, look deep into your heart and soul and find that one thing that you are willing to stand up for when no one does. You have it in you, we believe in you!
5. Statistically, there will be a 33 second deafening silence, people will still be digesting this. Then the replies will start pouring in. Initially only people with ridiculous opposing views will speak up, stats and numbers will be thrown at you, “actually the survey conducted in 78BC…” blah blah blah. The point is to block this noise out. You believe in the cause and in yourself and no fact or number can change that.
6. This is the most difficult step but you must hold your ground long enough for your supporters to come in. Remember, you’re a gladiator! Enough people hold the same controversial view as you, they are just too afraid to speak up. You’re their messiah.
That’s it! If you completed step 6, you’ve attained glory. You also probably have a group of all the gladiators that coordinate attacks periodically, dropping truth bombs for the greater good of the Ashokan community(cherish it, from personal experience this time whizzes past you). If not, you’ve probably been cancelled. DON’T WORRY, this may not work the first time. Didn’t work for
the other veterans the first 3 times either yet here they are. Just wait for the next opportunity, until then, keep believing in yourself.
