Kalinga Magazine
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Kalinga Magazine

Ashokan Lives: Bid Against Others to Buy Yourself a Personality

— Kanishk Devgan

Illustrated by Swati Singh and Faguni Singh

Get ready to play the live-action version of the APL auction, “Ashokan Premier Lives”. Auction against others to buy the pieces of your very own life! Browse through a wide range of personalities, interests and aesthetics! “Ashokan Premier Lives” teaches important lessons such as how to trick your friends into spending way more than they should on shitty cards.

In this game, you will quantify people’s worths, find socially valuable interests, and outbid them all! Special utility cards like ‘Lose Mess Card And Pay 600 For A New One’ will spice up the game by giving extra points — points of contention with your life, that is. Let’s take the next step in living out your Ashokan Premier Life.

1. “Make a Frat!”

First in tonight’s auction is a special utility card that allows one to gain crucial social points in the category of “Help!-I-Need-An-Identity”. Be the first in generations (all four of them) to continue the proud, much-liked, generally pleasant and safe tradition of frat houses. This card will allow the player to perform great feats of physical transformation such as by turning your limp-dick, single dorm room into a full duplex accommodation for six of your mates. Get ready to sleep with all your sweaty, stinky mates. This card also brings the bonus resource card “Cough Syrup” for added debauchery and greater chances of harassing someone.

2. “Head of Marketing”

An interest card, “Head of Marketing” allows you to work as a stooge for multiple inter- and intra- collegiate events alongside the usual horde of clubs and societies. Be a go-getter and fill up your resumes till their mouths have bullshit spilling out like a waterfall of employment anxiety. Don’t worry! Gaining this experience at your cushioned workstations will train you for the world outside — the one you so want to save. Save it with prestigious designations such as “Finance Head” and “Co-Director”. These laboured-over titles will surely give your life some meaning. Busy bees are happy bees!

3. “Art-Hoe”

A gender-neutral personality type card which can be combined with the “ethnic” aesthetic card for a devastating ‘wokeness’ combo. Score social points and intellectual validation by wearing elephant pants! Watch as your Instagram grows into a collection of bent necks and fairy light-lit plants with filters that distort your doodle-pad room into a palace of pixie dust. The more the psychedelic colours, the more the art! Find yourself scribbling all over your notebooks with drawings of your next trip to an art exhibition! You’ll not only grow the ability to feign intellectual discourse about art’s heroic attempts to remedy the socio-political environment (and your crayon contribution to the whole affair), you’ll also be able to stare at weird pieces of shit for hours. Never will your resolve to shine be stronger. Interesting people will automatically be fooled by your dark-purple-ripped-denim-overalls and bright green beanie and come to you, waltzing around the great, messy fire of your soul.

4. “Odomos”

This special resource card is most valuable is you’ve taken the “YIF” degree card. Although the “YIF” card is rarer, resource card like “Odomos” double lifestyle points. Take on the corrupt administration with your handy cream (instead of, say, your creamy hand). Using this card will prevent the spread of dead mosquito blood all over your door as well as photos of the same on the internet. Combined with the “Email Etiquette” utility card, gain the power to actually articulate your problems instead of being a big, fat Boring Anonymous Ball of Yuck (BABY). Being just another faceless, insignificant dirtbag, one would imagine bouncing your name around campus would be fun but it, surprisingly, does not contribute to others’ lifestyle points. Using Odomos helps you sleep safe and sound, protecting your soft, infant skin.

5. “Funny”

Use this essential interest card to gain access to a whole host of activities. Post a meme format from 2007 and watch as your tasteless batch-mates continue to hold up your fragile self-esteem with likes and love reacts. Engage in ‘banter’ on Facebook, and play the EdgeLord, damaging others’ emotional and mental well-being, just for fun! Create well-designed pranks like stealing someone’s slippers until they reach the point of breakdown. You might even be called to enter the ‘safe-space’ of a roast, where you can continue to let our your anger though anything-goes-jokes. In fact, the ‘funny’ card allows you to take out your frustrations on just about anything. Don’t like your life? Steal a plaque from under a tree and add to your room decor. It’s funny. Special ‘funny’ cardholders will be allowed to join Kalinga where they can write fuck-all articles about anything and anyone with zero accountability. If everyone laughs at a fart, you need to become the asshole!

WARNING: Each time a player passes a semester, they shall lose 5 ‘will-to-live’ points. Out of a total of 15.

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Kalinga Staff

Kalinga Staff

Kalinga is the battlefield where Ashoka was humbled. In these pages, history repeats itself.