O-WEEK INTRODUCTIONS: 5 WAYS TO JAZZ UP YOUR ZOOM CALL TODAY!
“Okay guys! Time for introductions! We’ll go around the room, virtually of course haha, and everyone has to tell us a fun fact about themselves.”
So this is how it goes. You find yourself in yet another zoom call, and it is the fourth time you’ve been asked to introduce yourself this week.
Are o-week introductions leaving you reeling with an existential crisis?
Do you find yourself struggling to manufacture a personality on the spot?
Have the endless webinars grabbed you by the shoulders and shook out every last bit of enthusiasm left in you?
I too, was once a zoomer freshman, and I see you and hear you. If you’re struggling with o-week introductions, read on to find how to get people to actually listen to you! Here are five ways you can establish yourself as the alpha in your next zoom call:
Instead of: “I like reading political philosophy and posting my poetry on my Instagram account.”
Say: “I have a huge birthmark on my butt.”
Even if you don’t. There is no way for anyone to examine the veracity of your claims. Everyone likes funny stories about butts. Nobody cares if you read Fuckall and Daloose.
Instead of: “I’m so excited for college! Cannot wait to come to campus in October.”
Try: Not kidding yourself. Maybe wait it out till you turn 18 and can finally get the vaccine.
Instead of: “In my free time, I like binge-watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S and playing with my dog.”
Consider: Telling everyone an extended account of the time you refused to share your lunch with your high school crush by saying “Joey doesn’t share food!”. Tell them how aforementioned crush never spoke to you again. Congratulations, now the people will actually listen to you.
Instead of: “I once went scuba diving in the Maldives.”
Try: “I think my house is haunted. Things have gotten so bad that I can’t sleep at night, and this is why I was late to this zoom call.”
Give them an explanation in vivid and excruciating detail: the sounds, the rustling of curtains and bedsheets. Deep down, you know it was just your parents having sex, but now at least you have everyone spooked.
Instead of: “I was bored this summer, so I started my own small business reselling ethically sourced crop tops.”
Say: “I once farted really loudly in an H&M store, and everyone saw me. That was when I decided to renounce fast fashion, and I’ve been clean ever since.”
—
Written by Eshna Sharma
