Kalinga Magazine
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Kalinga Magazine

See it First: An Exclusive Guide to Ashoka’s New Virtual Classrooms

The new semester is right around the corner, and it’s going to be unlike any other. The college experience is going to be all-digital, and you’ll be managing most of it through either Google Classroom or Ashoka’s own LMS. To make the most of these platforms, we’ve put together comprehensive maps of their interfaces, with a key to explain everything you need to know.

Ashoka LMS:


  1. Proud to be one of the top 5 liberal arts schools in Rai district, Haryana.

2. For Monsoon 2020, IT support has been outsourced to the Minecraft team.

3. Sign out here. Just kidding, you can’t leave.

4. 90% of your life will revolve around this tab.

5. A wonderful selection of enriching and exciting courses. Have fun practicing integrals and learning about the Holocaust at 8:30 in the morning.

6. View Grades — enter at your own risk.

7. ACWB — a counselor is automatically on call whenever you open the grades tab to hold your hand and say nice things to you.

8. The actual grades are read out to you in the voice of your disappointed parents, to make the LMS experience more immersive.

9. You can skip all these other tabs, honestly.

10. The LMS automatically tracks your physical health, to i̶d̶e̶n̶t̶i̶f̶y̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶w̶e̶a̶k̶ make sure everyone’s coping with the stress of college life well.

11. Timetable — see your course schedule, plan your work efficiently. For 2020, your timetable has been redesigned to capture that pandemic feeling where time isn’t real and existence is chaos. You have no idea whether there’s a class right now you should be in, but you probably wouldn’t have attended either way.

12. Reports — manage the other 10% here, i.e. your love life.

13. Student Directory — saw someone cute in class, and don’t remember their name? No problem. Simply enter this portal, and access not only their name and photograph, but all the info you could need about them including blood type, home address, Aarogya Setu password, deepest fears and regrets, and allergies (if any).

14. Tinder Statistics — access your match/swipe ratio, attractiveness index, desperation ratings and other key performance indicators here.

15. ACWB — if you spend more than 3 hours on this tab, the LMS will automatically connect you to a counselor.

16. FLAME Transfer Portal — as some scholars have observed, there are no beautiful people at Ashoka. Click here to instantly transfer to FLAME University, which also has a golf course and fully constructed library.

Google Classroom:


  1. Title — see the name of your course, and your professors here.

2. Scream Room — click here to pause your assignments for upto 3 minutes and just scream (this may or may not be recorded and graded as class participation.)

3. Upcoming — keep track of the existential self-doubt and looming questions you’re working through as a student of Zoom University.

4. Assignments — the tedious ones your professor is still naively giving the class, which nobody will attempt, and the endless mountain of chores you have to manage at home. Good luck with that.

5. People — see all of your classmates here. So well-adjusted, so smart, so beautiful, not struggling at all.

6. Feed — see posts from your professor and classmates here, and send in your own. Don’t worry if none of it makes any sense, you haven’t done the readings and they haven’t either. Tip: save time with the auto-fill responses Google makes for you.

7. Sapio Index — a real-time ranking of every student, based on how smart they sound in class. Every week, the lowest ranking student is eliminated. Tip: try saying ‘subaltern’ in class for an instant ranking boost.

8. Learn more about the very qualified people t̶o̶r̶m̶e̶n̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ teaching you this semester.

9. Look out for the little burgers popping in and out of view. They live behind your interface and keep everything running smoothly. They’re trying their best — be nice, please.

-By Aditya Banerjee and Swati Singh



Kalinga is the battlefield where Ashoka was humbled. In these pages, history repeats itself.

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Kalinga Staff

Kalinga is the battlefield where Ashoka was humbled. In these pages, history repeats itself.