Student Claims Only This Man Can Get Her Wheels Turning
Last month, rumours about a student-driver hookup had spread like wildfire on campus. While the other, inferior news teams on campus scoffed and brushed off this piece of information, discarding it as salacious gossip, Kalinga reporters proudly stepped forth and proclaimed, “this is exactly the kind of nonse — news that we cover!”
On a post-curfew Wednesday afternoon, Annagna was scrolling through Tinder in an Indian Civilization class. According to her, the dating app is a better marker of what Indian Civilisation is now than whatever these old, well-experienced, knowledgeable men may claim it to be. Chintu from Jindal, Feminist in the streets, All Lives matter in the Sheets — she swiped left. Payal from Sonepat, nobody named Ananya please — she swiped left. Rajesh from Ashoka, can last longer than a trip to Jahangirpuri and back. Who is this guy and what is this preposterous boast? She knew every Ashokan who was on Tinder and had hooked up with most of the non-creepy ones. He didn’t look like a professor, either; his eyes weren’t glazed with the itch to go on a sabbatical that consumes all faculty after a semester here.
After a couple of stalking sessions on the LMS and Facebook, she discovered that Rajesh was an Ashokan shuttle driver. For Annagna, this was exotic meat — she had hooked up with students and TFs and even a professor in her first year, but this hookup would be her show-stopping act, one which would immortalise her in Ashokan Civilization.
She swiped right and immediately made arrangements for the date. They’d spend Thursday night at the theka (Rajesh wanted to see Ashokan substance abuse up close and personal), and then go back to his place which was conveniently down the road. He sent her pictures of his house, where next to his bed stood a 6x4 feet painting of Hanuman nestled awkwardly between posters of Rakhi Sawant’s and Katrina Kaif’s heavily photoshopped cleavages. They had long discussions about his children, where he revealed that he wanted his kids to enroll at Ashoka but was afraid that they wouldn’t fit in because of their lack of sufficient substance abuse. “My eldest just doesn’t enjoy acid like he should… I took him to Jahangirpuri metro station and fed him some edibles but he ended up having a bad trip and missing school for a week… but it’s good he missed school because all the students at ashoka miss classes too.”
After nearly 36 hours of agonising waiting, the night came and after a long time, so did he. She was impressed and surprised by the fact that he was a man of his word. He did take a couple of hours to finish, just like the shuttles, and he also did hit a man on his way to climax and pretended he knew nothing about it. It seemed as though his multiple daily 48-kilometre rides had given him a stamina no Ashokan gym lad could ever possess. He was eager to please, sometimes letting out a small whisper of “please, don’t fire me.”
What was supposed to be a one night stand slowly turned into a friend-with-benefits sort of deal. Annagna would always have shuttle tokens reserved for her, and would always get the best seat on every shuttle, with the ideal seat tilt and perfect cushiony seat to quintessential height arm-rest ratio. The shuttle would wait up to 15 minutes for her at Jahangirpuri to compensate for the time it took her to put up an Instagram story captioned ‘cigarette while waiting for shuttle.’ The two are still going strong, with Rajesh having finally allowed Annagna to be on his Instagram feed. His most recent caption reads ‘#drivingtheseladiescrazy ;)’.
The administration, upon being approached by our reporters, were confused about the situation. They admitted that they were unsure whether sleeping with the transport staff was a disciplinary infraction or not. They have reluctantly allowed this affair to continue, providing our excellent staff with no further comments except for a “why is this even worth reporting you fu-”.
The newly-instated Diversity Ministry wasn’t as confused about their stance on the issue. They wholeheartedly supported this union and encouraged the housekeeping staff to install tinder on their phones as well and start sleeping around. They insisted that this would improve conversation on campus and bring into light perspectives that were formerly hidden from the privileged Ashokan lens. Reports coming out of the government state that the Cultural Ministry is planning on throwing a gala exclusively for student-driver couples.
