THE BIG OH
Shweta Prasad
This last week, we received a flurry of desperate queries, particularly from first years wanting to make the most out of O-Week.
Therefore in the interest of all first years, I have decided to replace individual responses with an Extended O-Week Guide that addresses what it’s REALLY about.
At Ashoka, the O in O — week stands for many things and none of them is ‘Orientation’.
In no particular order:
0. O for “Orgies”
-Everyone talks about it, but do they really happen?-
Heck yeah, this is what college is about. Adulthood is synonymous with STDs, sex and contraceptives and we should be allowed to navigate it on our own. Heck yeah, orgies are the actual orientation process: how else would we know for sure where on the gender and sexual preference spectra we are? Orgies seal friendships and make people confident. Confidence is key. That’s why you “chose” Ashoka over other places right?
1.O for “Oh, that explains it “
The “Oh” here can be understood in the following contexts :
— Winning-Sopaan-doesn’t-mean-anything oh.
There-are-no-prizes oh.
— The-OAA-is-into-BDSM oh.
— “You’ve been a naughty perse, Daddy is going to punish you: gag on two more FCs and a fourth year” — OAA with Love (No Yolk Times #1 Bestseller 2019) oh.
2. O for”Oh no, why did I do that/I could have slept instead “
This is the Amen that escapes your bodily crevices when you realize that you have made a Mistake;
As in: haha-the-”mandatory”-sessions-were-mandatory?-think-again oh noo.
— Waiting-to-be-the-first-click-at-Course-Registration?-It’s-going-to-hang-and-now-you’re-the-last- one-on-the-waitlist oh no.
— I-went-to-the-college-beauty-parlor-and-now-my-left-eyebrow-is-straight-and-the-right-one-isn’t oh no
3. “Ohh! This is why they were mostly vague but slightly clear about it “
** SPOILER ALERT **
These are some things that initially seem unclear, and the more you think about it into the semester, the further you get from lucidity and the more it makes you go “ohh” (rather loudly) so that you don’t seem unintelligible to your peers. The O-Week is just the start. For example:
— The goal of ICTs are to make you think critically, ohhhh.
— Take a crocin from the infirmary for your stubbed toe because they know it’s actually a
fracture and you’ll eventually come down with a gangrenous fever because your toe will accidentally fall off. So that’s why they gave the crocin ohhh.
4. “Oppression” or in conclusion and in memoriam
The FCs will make you think about all the ways in which the world you are in is oppressing you, while the institution by virtue of being an institution will continue to keep you under. Comforting you like a blanket, and not a case by case, of course.
You will be treated like kids, not like other adults, as to you, college means Orgies. Even if it doesn’t- They want to make it so that you think that’s what everyone thinks. They want to take your credibility away.
They built the ruse (the Big Ashokan Orgy) that will forever leach away at your attempts at credibility as a Student Body. The perfect indoctrination and imprisonment is when you think you are free, and oppress yourself because if you don’t you are “misusing what you have”.
Oppression is all the more effective as slow poison, start from the very start. Here’s CASH for money, plus free lobotomy.
Welcome to Ashoka
Richard Tater
P.s: If you are still thinking about the Orgies, this might be helpful: You could simply hang out in the SR holding up a placard saying “LONELY 12 YEAR OLD VIRGIN, CAPABLE OF DEEP THOT, HERE IN SEARCH OF MEANING. Swings both ways depending on the time of day”. That way the Orgynization will know to add you to their secret mailing list.
P.p.s: The effort is all that matters in most cases, however, you don’t go looking for orgies; They come looking for you.
