What’s Next for Kalinga? Election Poll Results
This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Over the last fortnight, we’ve been feeding you information about the various candidates standing for election this year, all in anticipation for one big event: Kalinga Magazine’s Official Election Poll. After making the poll and following an airtight marketing strategy (i.e. post on all Whatsapp groups when The Ed*ct reminded people to take their poll), we got our best data scientists and one rat writer who barely passed their Math FC to bring you the only results from this election season that matter.
Our total voter turnout was about 3.2% (beat that, AUEC), but comprised about 99% of every interesting person on campus (no seriously, AUEC, try to beat that). We trust our voters to tell the truth and to accurately represent real facts and figures, so if you’re looking for a source to validate your bets, then here you go.
Right off the bat, everyone who took this poll is a terrible person. Most people admitted to being terrible, i.e. 41.5% only think they’re terrible sometimes, 19.6% step on puppies and about 26.2% of all poll takers admit to being UG22. Disgusting. What’s more disgusting are the people that have convinced themselves that they’re not terrible at all, or in other words, 7.7% of poll takers are not only terrible, but also liars. Aside from this, we have some other admissions of terribleness, including- ‘I’m pawsitive,’ ‘I’m Umbridge baby,’ ‘according to uquiz im 75–100% evil,’ ‘UG23,’ and someone who pours milk before cereal.
As for actual election predictions- we’ll leave that to The Ed*ct, and your wildest theories. However, we did note that a cumulative total of 9.75% people would vote for one of the following: ‘Smoksh’, ‘Kalinga’ (thank you), ‘Yeet’, ‘Birthday Party’, ‘Librandu’, ‘Bernie Sanders’, or ‘Kalingay’. If you’re one of these people, we’re both impressed with and ashamed of you.
And now, for the question that’s made our staff bite their nails and give themselves curtain bangs in anticipation: “What do the election results for this year mean for Kalinga?”
There were three possibilities that an unreasonably high number of people agreed upon:
- If Prakrit came to power, a mysterious fire would force Kalinga to shut down.
- If Harshit came to power, an illegal alliance with him would bring Kalinga into power.
- If Dhamma came to power, first years would overthrow kalinga seniors and turn our social media into a confessions page.
We don’t know what to make of this yet.
Aside from this, here’s a list of which party was voted the most likely to cause the following event:
- Kalinga banished to jindal: Dhamma
- Kalinga forms a parallel government: AUEC
- Kalinga fist fights the SG; wins because not enough SG members show up for the quorum to be completed: Harshit (fair enough)
- Kalinga military coup: coup-linga: AUEC/Prakrit (coincidence…?)
- Bot sponsored by candidate/party hacks into Kalinga’s social media; Kalinga now only posts the dining menu: Kshitija
- An avid reader may notice that Tarz hasn’t been mentioned at all, and this could be because the chances of Tarz getting a majority in the house are close to none (Don’t shoot the messenger, your votes made this happen).
An official analysis of these results suggests that approximately 0% of poll takers have Kalinga’s best interests at heart, but what else can you expect from self-admittedly terrible people?
