I’m Tchassa Kamga. I do a lot of things — all involve some form of storytelling. I’m passionate about creative work, self-improvement and owning one’s emotions.

Jun 26, 2016

Why I don’t want a relationship

This is a question I answered today on Quora. I totally misunderstood the question but I like the place where my thoughts took me to :)

Question: Do you prefer being single or in a relationship?

Answer: I am a 26 year old straight Cameroonian male who has had his heart broken.

And broken hearts.

I have had short (two weeks), very short (three days), and month long ( 6 months) relationships.

I’ve dated at least 5 women. I don’t keep tabs. It was a painful time I prefer to not remember.

Some, were exhilarating.

One month ago, I made the conscious decision to be single .

In my relatively short existence, I never thought I would ever be comfortable with being out of a relationship.

With that in mind, my answer would be biased. Infact, if I were you, I would not read this given my inexperience and lack of facts to back my claims. I speak for myself, hoping you will gain something.

On Being In A Relationship

I love the feeling that spreads through my body when a woman who cares about me touches me. I love the affection, the intimacy and all the perks of being together- living together, sharing inside jokes, feeding each other and being children again without a care in the world. I am a sucker for “love”.

Or at least, that is what I thought love was.

I have come to understand that it takes more than the happy moments to build a lasting, equally rewarding relationship with anyone. Whether it is a friend, lover or parent. It takes a lot of energy and commitment. And most people who are in a happy relationship may not not seem happy to you.

That is the difference between making a choice to work on a relationship and thinking that relationships work like “magic”.

The amount of effort required to communicate, to compromise, to fight our natural selfishness is one that needs a daily practice.

I think anyone who has been in a serious relationship can tell you about the dark times and what it takes to overcome them.

That said, the reason why I am not in a relationship is this:

I became self-aware enough to accept that I was not ready to invest the amount of energy required. That at this point in my life, I would like to focus all my energy on being creative ( blogging, gaining skills, podcasting etc) and building a business around my interests.

It is sad that I took this long and hurt so many people to accept this basic truth.

But I am happy I did.

On Being Single

I love writing. Especially poetry. I love thinking too. Which means that I tend to spend a lot of time by myself. Where I come from, and from my experience, I find it hard to get alone time when I am in a relationship.

Plus, there are the messages , the phone calls, and the commitments. I suck at being in a relationship. I had just never audited myself and made the decision to lay off that part of my life.

I don’t drink alcohol ( well, maybe once in a month or so), I don’t smoke, I don’t do drugs.I don’t gamble. I am not a stud- which means all I have is my sour humor which may or may not attract females ( remember I said you shouldn’t read?)

This means a lot of my free time is spent on reading, writing and meeting people. I run a podcast which takes time to record and edit . I was only able to start this podcast when I became single. And I looove sharing my thoughts.

I get braingasms from the comment section- literally.

However, I get lonely too. Sometimes I want a hug, a kiss or…more… :)

But then, I believe you can’t eat your relationship and have it. I chose to stay alone for a purpose. And I am fulfilling that purpose.

We may not have the same purpose, or thought pattern. And that is fine. I made the call. You should make yours.

I get moments of weakness when I see that someone is attracted to me, or when I get attracted to another person. And that we could get together.

Then, I remember who I really am and the kind of person I become in a relationship.

So, which is better? Being single? Or being with someone?

That, my friend, will depend on you, your environment and your DNA.

But know this:

Your thoughts, goals and dreams will change. I know mine have and they will.
Same for people you get in a relationship with.
Communication is vital to maintain a relationship.
Self-awareness will lead you to make choices which correspond with your DNA. ( Yes, I totally ripped this off from Gary Vaynerchuk [1])
You will usually get what you deserve. Usually.

Of course, life has a way of being itself. But if everyday , if you so choose, you get better at knowing who you are and choosing yourself and the path you want to walk, you might end-up enjoying this funny thing called life.

I wish you all the best.

Remember that the most important relationship,is the one with yourself.

Footnotes

[1] GaryVaynerchuk.com — Family 1st! but after that, Businessman- a dude that Loves the hustle, people & the @nyjets — @vaynermedia. Tasted wine for years online!