Stokke Explory (day 11)

Yesterday we pushed the baby in the stroller for six blocks and then turned around. I felt some shame for my Stokke Explory which retails for about 1200 and doesn’t even convert into a car seat or a bassinet like the Uppababy Vista. I don’t see why I should withhold this financial information from this blog — half the people in my building have the retail price of every high end stroller seared into their brains and while I certainly fear their judgment, I’ve decided to start getting in front of my problems before they consume me.

(This is the Explory with the umbrella attachment, which I do not own)

The Uppababy Vista, by comparison, retails for 879 and does convert into a car seat and a bassinet. The straps and all the clicky-things (baby products are all held together by clicky-things. I don’t know how else to explain it) on the Vista all make sense to American hands.

This is the Uppababy Vista carrying what I assume are three white children and a soccer ball. Note the versatility.

To adjust the straps of the Stokke car seat (separate purchase from the Explory), you have to flip it over and unhook something from a piece of metal that looks like it’s used to kill hobbits and then eyeball the amount of slack you need to avoid decapitating your infant. It took me like 6 tries. I am told the Stokke way is the safest but I can’t imagine the difference between life and death for an infant comes from the difference in strap integrity between the Explory and the Vista. Our daughter weighs seven pounds — you could strap her into a shoebox with an iPhone cord and she’d probably be ok in most car crashes in Brooklyn.

This is the Stokke car seat from the front. Note the straps.

To adjust those straps, you have to flip the thing over, take off a protective mesh cover and dig your hands up the ass of the car seat.

We have the Stokkes because my mom was excited about the baby and went to Nordstroms and pushed around all the strollers and said all were trash except the Stokke Explory. When I asked about the Uppababy Vista, she said that was trash too. So what was I going to say? My racist friend Andy says the Stokke is for rich Asians and sadly as I’ve walked around Brooklyn, I’ve found that he’s more or less right. Andy is way richer than me, has Warriors season tickets and is the only asshole I know who actually buys Tumi luggage and even he has an Uppababy Vista.

But the biggest problem with the Explory is what it says about you. A very reasonable guy I know said that someone else had told him that the Uppababy Vista was like the Subaru Outback and the Stokke was like a Jaguar if we were still living in the early 90s when they were pieces of shit that couldn’t get off the lot. (approximated quote. Please fact-check) This is why I feel shame when I push it around. I can sense the judgment of the other yuppies on the sidewalk. With their eyes, they say: ‘Surprise! We are perfectly happy with our 879 dollar stroller! Whoever heard of paying 1200 for a stroller? I mean it’s just a baby and you know babies are even born in Mongolia and they’re fine!’ This is class warfare.

Note: i am projecting a little. The Vista owners I’ve met are wonderful people who dont actually think these things)

VERDICT: The Stokke Explory doesn’t fold up, it doesn’t go up stairs, it doesn’t convert into a car seat or bassinet. It is one of the strollers favored by rich Asians along with the really expensive Bugaboo that basically has racing tires on it. But also fuck the Uppababy Vista.