The “Thrill” of the Launch

Urban Engines just announced the introduction of useful new features in our commuter app, driven by some pretty groundbreaking technology we’ve developed. Rather than self-indulgently subjecting readers to a post launch post mortem, I’ve self-indulgently written a parody about product launches in general. Enjoy.

To the tune of Michael Jackson’s Thriller:

It’s close to midnight and you’ve been sitting, coding in the dark
It mostly looks right, but then you find a bug that stops your heart
You try to scream, your throat’s too dry — you’re over-caffeinated
It’s not a dream, the crashing starts before your tired eyes
Your brain is fried
’Cause this is thriller, thriller night
And no one’s gonna save you from this massive, friggin’ rewrite
Thriller, thriller night
Need more for the 800-pound gorilla
Thriller. Tonight…

Now early morning, you’re checking all the “tweaks” against the comps
But without warning, nav doesn’t work, the animation’s off
It’s new UI, but there’s no time left for more user testing
So you decide, and hope that they will make it through the flow
Soon you will know
’Cause this is thriller, thriller night
!*#!@! Why don’t users tap the icon on the far right?!
Thriller, thriller night
Must seem unique but still must seem familiar
Thriller tonight

(Bridge)
Marketing brands while your Legal demands all you must disclaim
IMs from Sales asking when they can email your leads
(Revenue you need!)
When’s it time to retweet?!

The night is long gone, your eyes adjust to see the rising sun
It’s down the home stretch, the whole team’s pushing hard to get it done
You know it’s time, commit your sh-t and push it to production
It will be fine, done all you can, you know this is the end
Gotta hit send
And it’s a thriller, thriller night
If Hacker News does pan it, still your mom will be polite
Thriller, thriller night
Mom said it’s “nice,” don’t recommend you grill her
Thriller here tonight (key change)

Yes it’s a thriller, thriller night
Your users? They don’t care you were cum laude
Or won that Fulbright
Thriller (woo hoo), thriller night
Give anything to have it all be killer, stellar

(enter Vincent Price)
Dawn breaks all across the land
Launch time now is close at hand
So patch and fix as best you can
Embargo lifts at 6 A.M.
You’ll scan the Web to check who wrote
And pray there’s good press there to quote
Else slave away to earn some credit
Through snaps or likes or votes on Reddit
The foulest stench is in the air
The funk of sweat and founders’ tears
And day-old trays of soggy meals
That sit betwixt the plates, congealed
But though you’ve reached that desperate hour
You know you can deliver
For no one launching can escape
The torture of the thriller
(Mwah ha ha ha…)