Just Admit It, Part One

OK, this will feel good, I promise:

1. Just admit you really don’t give two fucks about Harper Lee’s new novel.
2. Reddit without the trolls is a blank web page with an empty submit form.
3. You wouldn’t have noticed Neil Young was missing from your streaming service if he didn’t mention it.
4. Sometimes, you tweet something heartfelt about the need for gender equality in the tech industry and then go to Pornhub right after.
5. While you fully support the boost that Caitlyn Jenner is giving to the transgender community, you have a sneaking suspicion she’s as much of a jackass as Bruce Jenner was.
6. You marvel at the achievement of the scientists who sent a camera 3 billion miles to get photos of Pluto. But when given the choice, you clicked through to an article on how to brew perfect coffee every time.
7. Though you’ve been given countless opportunities to understand the ins and outs of the Greek/Euro bailout deal (some of which have been boiled down to a single chart), if you were put on the spot, the best you could probably come up with would be, “Yeah, Greece. Wow, huh?”
8. You yelled at your kids while reading an article on limiting kids’ screen times.
9. You went back and watched Ariana Grande licking donuts a few more times, even after you had completed your thinkpiece on the subject.
10. You’d be reasonably happy if the earth burst into flames just to get a chance to say “I told you so” to climate change deniers.
11. You once called for a soda tax while drinking a bowl of cheese dip.

And like me, you often publish funny lists as a way to self-promote your other site, NextDraft, The Day’s Most Fascinating News.