Remission

I went to my stem cell transplant doctor on Friday to get my shots. When you get an autologous stem cell transplant, (meaning they use your own cells), your immune system is completely wiped out. One thing that means is that all those childhood vaccinations you had are no more. You’re like a newborn basically and you have start over. You start getting shots every 3 months, then every 6 months, and so on for a couple of years. The doctor also wants blood and urine tests done a week before, of course, just to to keep measuring how you’re doing.

On Friday, my doctor shows me a chart that looked something like the following drawing.

It was a graph of my lambda light chain count in my blood over the past year. A lambda light chain is a type of antibody, and having an above normal count is one marker of my disease. The blue line represents the upper limit of the normal range of the lambda light chain count. Other markers in my blood had similar graphs. There is no sign of my disease. I’m in complete remission.

So why don’t I know how to feel? I’m elated, of course. I never believed I would be here. I’m not sick. I don’t feel sick. I can eat. I get around great with my walker and I want to get back to PT so I can start using a cane. I want to start driving again. (I keep telling my wife to take me to an empty parking lot and see how I do.) But I don’t feel secure. I know a sense of security is an illusion. But how do you recover from a serious disease? No one really tells you how to do that. I’m not complaining, not really. This is new though, having hope and allowing myself to look ahead.