Playoffs Week 1 — The Cooper Bowl

It has taken a great deal of self-healing and reflection to be able to finally write this re-cap. I believe there is no greater source of suffering in a man’s (or woman’s) life than losing in the first round of their fantasy football playoffs while also watching the Patriots lose to the Mia…sorry I still can’t bring myself to say it. You might think this is hyperbolic. I don’t. I have a very football-centric view of the world and nothing else bad is happening right now. What do you think Coach Belichick?

Round 1 Re-cap:

Trader Joey v. Swandog Millionaires

• Most of the time when I lose, it’s other people’s fault. A coach didn’t make the right call, the ref should have called holding, etc. So to make myself feel better after the loss, I looked at every excuse I could make.

1. Odell Beckham should have played. And I think it’s reasonable that he would score at least 20 points in a game that the Giants scored more than 40. So replace Courtland Sutton’s actual 3.3 with Odell’s should-have-been 20.
2. Todd Gurley should have been better. Replace his abysmal 8.8 with his season average of 27.4.
3. Someone should have told me to start the Seahawks’ defense, replace their 15 with the Steelers’ 5.
4. Amari Cooper’s final touchdown was the most improbable event of the entire match-up. If that throw is made 100 more times it’s returned for a pick six at least 70 times, falls incomplete 29 times, and is a touchdown for Amari Cooper one time. So let’s take away the points from that.

All of this to say, given all the additional points I’ve given myself, and all the points I took away from Joey; I STILL WOULD HAVE LOST. There was absolutely no reasonable scenario where my team beat Joey’s team this week.

Condeadleeza Rice v. Darren McFadden

• This game was extremely close going into Monday Night Football, which gave each owner the unenviable task of having to watch Monday Night Football. It came down to the Vikings Defense vs. Stefon Diggs, which Diggs won as expected. But I checked on this match-up several times on Sunday and this match-up was within a point or two for most of the day. So as your season comes to an end, Darren McFadden, I salute you. For being bold and brazen, and never changing your team name despite never owning Darren McFadden the player. Speaking of salute’s…

Farewell Salute

I want to take a moment to honor (or dishonor) the fallen players who 2018 took too soon:

• LeVeon Bell — You now hold the record for the most beloved, to the most hated fantasy player of all time. You ruined thousands of seasons, and broke thousands of hearts. But you gave us James Conner, and for that, we thank you.
• Nathan Peterman — You are as bad as Patrick Mahomes is good. The only time anyone will watch you play is when your low-light reel is being used as “Exhibit A” in ‘Kaepernick v. The NFL’.
• Kareem Hunt — You got kicked to the curb by your own team, and punted our fantasy playoff hopes in the process.
• Sam Bradford — You’ve somehow been paid over $100 million in five years. I’m not even mad, I’m impressed.
• The Player Formerly Known as Rob Gronkowski — It seemed every week a new story broke about how Belichick wanted to trade Gronk in the offseason. Gronk allegedly threatened to retire, and the deals were called off. What most reporters don’t know is that Gronk was traded. Belichick traded Gronk’s soul/talent to the 49ers, who then placed it inside George Kittle. I don’t know how, but I’m assuming its something like what took place in the historical documentary “Space Jam”. It makes more sense the more you don’t think about it.