Go To The Haunted Trail they said, it will be fun!

Do you know what scares a Mom?

Haunted Trails are like childbirth to me. The getting there is the fun part, but then you remember how much you hate certain parts, right?

This year it was 5 teenagers, one car and a two hour drive from Beech Mountain, NC.

Why do I drive two hours? Because out of all the trails we haunt, Woods of Terror is one of the favorites!

First problem, How do I feed 5 children and not break the bank?

I don’t save money on separate meals, I buy the catering size when it comes to teenagers! The look on their faces was classic as I handed back 64 chicken nuggets, large tub of sauce, and a gallon of sweet tea with 5 glasses. “We will never eat all of that,” one whispered.

Fifteen minutes later.

Gone.

The fun part? Watching them save the mega tray sitting on the console every time I made a turn. “Save the NUGS!!” was the cry.

My second hint is plan a weekday and early evening for two reasons: Don’t miss the Monster Parade at dusk, where every monster from the haunt marches out behind a coffin car and the owner wearing an yellow snake. Oh, and getting their early means you don’t pay the extra per person Fast Pass fee, effectively saving me enough money covering the tray of “nugs” and the tea!

We brought two Woods of Terror virgins with us, teenagers acting like they don’t get scared until the song IronMan started. I don’t care how many times you come to Woods of Terror, that song starting the parade will always get your heart racing. The monsters coming through then completes the process as one of the two virgins looked at me like, “What have I gotten myself into?”

“They can’t touch you, right?” He asked watching a woman walk by with blood dripping out of her mouth.

“Yep,” I say, laughing watching her sneak up to him, screaming in his face as he turned back to the parade

“They don’t need to touch you to scare you,” I say.

In order to survive, here’s a few hints:

Go for it, scream your little heart out, believe me, it makes it more fun!

Aim for the middle of the pack, the front gets the first scare, and the back is always followed.

Get used to the sound of chainsaws.

Invite someone really tall or with red hair, they’ll get all the attention from the monsters as you pass safely.

If you are under 40 wear a spare mini pad (girls and boys) over 40 think about Depends.

Don’t be that guy pointing out what’s next, this is the perfect way of getting ditched.

Dress to run — that little girl in the high heeled shoes, well, they ate her for lunch.

If you get scared, push someone else at the monster. In my case it was the kids pushing me.

Inevitably you WILL end up in front. I don’t know how this happens, but it happens.

I spent the hour through Woods of Terror laughing (OK, with a few screams in between) because not much scares me anymore. I’ve lived through dirty diapers, temper tantrums, science experiments and now,

now,

PUBERTY! (Insert scream of terror here!)

Woods of Terror, the perfect way to scare the kids, and Moms, if you are looking for a fun night and no voice the next day, this is the place for you.

Don’t forget your Depends.