Defining your self-worth beyond your achievements
“So tell me about yourself?”
It’s the question many of us dread. Whether it’s asked for the billionth time in a job interview process, or even as small talk at a party, it can often stun people.
If you’re like me you’re stuck not necessarily because you don’t have anything interesting to say about yourself, but because you might have too much to say. You recognise that you are a complex, nuanced, and intersectional individual affected at any given point by intrinsic, extrinsic, and temporal factors (to name a few).
But if you’re also like me, over time you’ve learnt to talk about your life’s achievements, your successful or stable career, or even the quirky and topical hobbies you’ve procured — you define yourself based on externalities. Sometimes, there is actually much to be proud of and reminding yourself of these achievements is a practice in self-worth too. However, for high-achievers in particular, this extrinsic definition can only go so far before it becomes a suicidal exercise in vanity and comparison (and we know how that ends up).
Lately however, after many years of ignorance I’ve started to question the way I define and introduce myself. It dawned on me that though my achievements were notable and I should cherish myself for having attained them, they should not be the ONLY thing I use to define myself. After all, there will always be somebody else who went to the same law school, somebody else who attained more academic accolades, or somebody whose career is much more successful. There will also be days when the sun doesn’t shine and you don’t reach your goals — how do I define my self-worth when I’m at my lowest point?
I have since started out on a journey to define what “self-worth” really is for myself and others. If I stripped back my material wealth, my achievements, and the externalities, who was I really?
Self-worth should be pretty easy to define no?
I’ll admit, until I started writing this article I didn’t know much about how to define my “self-worth” beyond achievements or material gain, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. So where does this ignorance come from and why, for the longest time, did I have such a skewed notion of “self-worth”?
For myself, and other Asians (South, East, or Southeast), some of this can be attributed to a strong cultural emphasis on learning and education as a pathway to greater socioeconomic mobility and happiness. In Chinese culture, for example, to be educated is to be both intellectually and morally ascendant, a notion that is potentially abstracted from Confucian notions of a “Junzi” a righteous person (often a respected civil servant) who focuses on self-improvement through learning. These cultural undertones certainly affected my definition of “self-worth” growing up as it meant that my own self-worth and worth in the eyes of my parents was often predicated upon my academic achievements or prowess in extracurriculars.
But obviously, this isn’t just limited to Asians. Anybody with even an iota of ambition will have at some point in their lives defined themselves through their status or achievements. In our modern consumerist and social media-driven society, we are also arguably more than ever willing to not only define ourselves but also judge others by the haves and have-nots. This is probably nothing new for humanity — after all, we are a competitive bunch.
How do you define your self-worth?
There is no strict science as to how you should define your self-worth. Whilst the concept of “self-esteem” (what you think about yourself) is a heavily researched and documented field in psychology and sociology (remember Maslow’s hierarchy?), concepts around “self-worth” are not as well developed. Whilst related, “self-worth” is different in that it focuses on the deep knowledge that you are of inherent value, that you are loveable, necessary to this life, and of immeasurable worth.
I’ve taken the time to read numerous counselling and self-help resources to arrive at a more exhaustive list of what self-worth is and isn’t. It’s not conclusive, and I encourage you to forge your own path with what I’ve written below.
Your “self-worth” is not
- Your appearance or the way you present yourself
- Net worth, assets, or other material gains (incl experiences that money can buy like European holidays)
- Your social status, including your monetary and social capital
- The number of friends you have, your relationship status, the state of your family, or social circle
- Your career, hobbies, or level of education
- And most importantly, your achievements (ironically there is a theory in psychology called “self-worth theory” that argues in favour of this which we will disregard)
Of course, some of what is listed above can in fact form part of your self-worth so long as you are focusing on yourself within those interactions (e.g. your relationship with friends, as opposed to the number of friends).
Your “self-worth” is made of
- Your unique attributes, intentions, or habits that you love about yourself: Focus on what makes you unique (it doesn’t need to be totally original). Think along the lines of “I love myself because I am/do/show/embody…”. This includes how you interact with others as well as yourself. (e.g. I love myself because I get along well with my siblings, I love myself because I am a good listener).
- Your enduring qualities and values, and how you live them out: Similarly, think of the values and qualities that you aspire towards, those that have changed little over the years in the face of achievement or failure. Think along the lines of “I have always been” or “I will always make time for” (e.g. I have always been an altruistic person). Another way to contemplate this (albeit slightly harsher) is to ask “What if everything I have was suddenly taken away from me? What about me would I value?”.
- Your relative position to your “ideal life”: Extrapolate your values and create a painted picture of your “ideal life”. More often than not you may see that, this painted picture is not far from how you live today. The aim is therefore to express gratitude and awareness of the positives in your current life.
It’s important to note however, that practising self-worth does not mean having an unrealistic view of your own abilities and not coming to terms with the gravity of your shortcomings. Self-worth is simply about maintaining a sense of value unto yourself through the ebbs and flows of life whilst still being cognisant of your areas for improvement. This is no doubt easier said than done.
How to practice “self-worth”
A lot of your self-worth is also not just defined, it is practised. Your self-worth is built on a set of habits and behaviours too, not just a process of self-actualising. This includes:
- Reflecting and taking note of the things that define your self-worth
- Loving yourself unconditionally and with compassion
- Stopping people-pleasing behaviours
- Accept the parts of you or life that you cannot change
- Making fewer comparisons to others — you are writing your own story
- Recognising that you alone control how you feel about yourself
- Seek affirmations from those close to you
- Working to please yourself and not others
- Taking time to do things you love or things that replenish you
- Taking responsibility for your actions without being harsh on yourself and recognising that you have the agency to improve
- Building positive habits (starting small) that make you feel supported
- Staying positive
Closing thoughts
I hope this guide was helpful. I too am on a journey to cultivating self-love and a greater sense of self-worth. Just like making a habit out of calling your grandparents or cardio training, practising self-worth requires habitual dedication and you will be distracted at times. At times you will find yourself going back to old habits and judging others for their dress sense, critiquing yourself for your life choices, or feeling like there is nothing that you excel at. It’s times like these when you need to reaffirm your self-worth and recognise the intrinsic value you possess.
Hold your intention and start with small steps. All the best!
Further Reading:
- Self-Worth (Defined by the University of North Carolina Counseling Center)
- Be Good to Yourself: 10 Powerful Ways to Practice Self-Love (by Tiny Buddha Blog)
- How to Stop Measuring Your Worth in Achievements (by Tiny Buddha Blog)
- What is Self-Worth & How Do We Build it? (by Positive Psychology)
“Kevin’s Dead” is a blog about improvement, connecting with the world, and doing away with passivity. In this blog you’ll find the musings of an Australian-Chinese millennial who is tired of being faceless and being another “Kevin”.
If you’re looking for bold opinions and a fresh Antipodean perspective, give me a follow!
