The West Revisited: Numbers don’t lie, but ambassadors do?

Welcome back to Kheiro Magazine’s West Wing recaps, where landlines still matter, apparently

It’s polling day! The day we all put our faith in random sampling and whoever has time to answer the phone. I’m no statistician, but we have to have better ways of taking the country’s temperature nowadays. No? The polls cited most often are phone-based, which is crazy in an era without landlines? OK fine.

We open on my favorite thing in the world: men doubting the competence of CJ Cregg! Leo and Josh don’t like the wording of a question in the poll. CJ says don’t question someone in their field of expertise, literally the thing you hired them for. Josh and Leo …still have qualms. Neat. Leo goes around the room and asks what everyone thinks the approval rating is going to be. Everyone but CJ — THE ACTUAL EXPERT IN THIS PARTICULAR FIELD — thinks that the numbers will go down or hold steady. CJ thinks we’ll go up 5 points. Everyone looks at her like she’s crazy.

Also, Laurie the Sex Worker is graduating from law school this weekend.

Nonononono, I thought we were done with this plot line. The last time we saw Laurie, she was (justifiably) furious with Sam for having a problem with her line of work and trying to tell her how to live her life. And Sam was being a self-righteous dick about how uncomfortable it made him to know that Laurie had sex with people. I honestly think he wasn’t that mad that it was for money, he was more miffed that it wasn’t him she was screwing. But now we have to deal with Sam’s White Knighting yet again.

This time, he can’t go to her graduation because someone in the Republican party knows about Laurie and her job. They’re just waiting for the right time to strike. Laurie takes the news surprisingly (I’d say character-breakingly) well. Her law career, nay, her entire life depends on not being outed as a sex worker. And then Sam calls her to say, “Hey sorry I can’t go to your graduation ceremony, btw your entire world is about to explode,” and she actually says, “That’s OK.” His association with her is going to blow up her spot and make life just fucking awful and she completely absolves him. No panic attack, not even anger directed toward the Republican operative who’s gonna do the hit. It’s completely insane.

Meanwhile, the Bartlet Admin. is back on their campaign finance reform bullshit. Josh needs to secure Hoynes’ support, and for some reason Toby needs to vacate a diplomatic posting with haste. He finds one: the Federated States of Micronesia.

Sam: Toby says it’s a country.
Bartlet: It is a country. You know where?
Toby: I assume it’s a small island in the South Pacific.
Bartlet: It’s actually 607 small islands in the South Pacific. Interestingly, while its total land mass is only 270 square miles, it occupies more than a million square miles of the Pacific Ocean. Population is 127,000 and the U.S. Embassy is located in the state of Pohnpei and not, as many people believe, on the island of Yap.
Toby: Why would a person have that information at their disposal?
Bartlet: Parties.

I love our nerd president. Also, Toby, it’s called the Federated States of Micronesia. That kind of implies multiple land masses, my dude.

Bartlet will move the Ambassador of the Federated States of Micronesia to Paraguay. Paraguay’s guy will go to Bulgaria, and Bulgaria’s current ambassador will be shitcanned for shtupping the Prime Minister of Bulgaria’s daughter.

Bartlet asks Charlie to get the Bulgarian Ambassador, Ken Cochran, on a plane to D.C. Charlie gives serious side eye at the name Ken Cochran, but he refuses to go further. In other news, Charlie has a Newton?

Weirdly Simpsons-heavy recap today, and I’m not sorry.

We’re deep into the polling now and CJ is plagued with doubt — doubt that was plopped into her heart like an invasive species by Leo. Bartlet asked Leo what everyone’s poll predictions were, and he gave everyone’s but CJ’s. “Don’t read too much into it,” Leo says. So you’re saying she should read a little into it? Of the people asked about the polling numbers, only CJ is actually employed to make a prediction, and only CJ’s prediction was left out. That’s not subtext, it’s text.

Oh, I forgot to mention all the banter/fighting/flirting/whatever going on between Josh and verified queen Joey Lucas. He’s trying to ensnare here with debates about English as the national language, Teddy Roosevelt and Alexis de Tocqueville. They flargue (flirt-argue) through the White House and right into the phone banks, where CJ chastises Josh for “distracting the female callers.” Because he’s dreamy, I guess? This is a running thing on The West Wing, Josh’s alleged dreaminess. Remember the young political groupies in the pilot? It’s not that Bradley Whitford doesn’t have a certain niche appeal. But there is no universe where he’s the dreamboat in an ensemble that includes Rob Lowe. I’m sorry, no.

Speaking of Rob Lowe, did you know the whole Laurie plot was added to this show partially in reference to that time Lowe had a three-way with a 16-year-old? And did you know that three-way took place at the DNC? I didn’t. Anyhoo, Laurie’s friend sets up a paparazzi surprise for Sam and Laurie, which gets blasted on the Mirror. Leo is pissed, but mostly at CJ?

“HOW DARE SHE LET SAM OUTSIDE?”

Bartlet is finally apprised of the situation, and he is the most reasonable person in the whole West Wing. And Toby’s downright sweet.

Toby: Mr. President, Sam has always been completely above board about his relationship with Laurie.
Bartlet: Laurie’s the girl?
Sam: Yes, sir.
Toby: He told us about it right after his first contact with her nine months ago. The fact that she was putting herself through law school, under circumstances that were …less than good, has to mean something, as is the fact that Sam’s word is unimpeachable.
Bartlet: Toby, are you in here sticking up for Sam?
Toby: I know it’s strange, sir. But I’m feeling a-a… certain big brotherly connection right now. You know, obviously, I’d like that feeling to go away as soon as possible. But for the moment, I think there’s no danger in the White House standing by Sam and aggressively going after the people who set him up.
Bartlet: Sam, you’re going to spend the morning in the White House Counsel’s office finding out if you’ve broke any laws.
Sam: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: You should also call the girl, what’s her name?
Sam: Laurie.
Bartlet: You should call her and tell her the White House deeply regrets the phenomenal inconvenience she’s about to experience.
Sam: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: You might also want to point out to her that she probably has a cause of action against the paper.
Sam: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: And you should tell her that if she passes her Bar exam, the U.S. Attorney General will personally see to it that she’s admitted to the Bar.
Sam: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: Tell her the President of the United States says congratulations on getting her degree.

I don’t think that’s how the Bar works? Although Laurie probably won’t be convicted of prostitution, I’m pretty sure there’s some sort of review of one’s ethics and character that goes beyond a simple background check. Even if the Attorney General could influence state Bar associations, I don’t think the president swinging his dick around to help a sex worker is going to play in Iowa. But at least someone here realizes that the main victim of this event is Laurie. Even if Sam had to resign, he could get a cushy lobbying job just like that. Laurie worked her whole life to do one thing — be a lawyer — and then it probably got snatched out of her hands the day she was about to achieve it.

Speaking of someone’s dreams dying, it’s time to fire the ambassador to Bulgaria. In this case, it’s Ken Cochran’s dream of sleeping with someone other than his wife, i.e.: the Prime Minister’s daughter. Cochran gets verbally bitch-slapped by the president, then by Charlie. Apparently they did know each other! Charlie was a waiter at some private club Cochran frequented.

Cochran: I resigned my membership in that club, by the way.
Charlie: Did you?
Cochran: Oh yeah. I find exclusive clubs to be repugnant.
Charlie: I couldn’t help but notice that didn’t stop you from joining up in the first place.
Cochran: Now, that’s out of line. That’s out of line and that shouldn’t have been said. And you’ve forgotten that you’re addressing an U.S. Ambassador.
Charlie: I apologize, sir.
Cochran: I’m sorry to do this, but I’d like to speak to your supervisor.
Charlie: Well, I’m personal aide to the President, so my supervisor’s a little busy right now looking for a back door to this place to shove you out of. But, I’ll let him know you’d like to lodge a complaint.

It’s unclear what exactly Cochran did to make Charlie hate him before, but nobody who asks to see a supervisor is getting into heaven. It’s just a fact. I need Dule Hill back on TV like, yesterday. His subtle moments of power negotiation in this show are amazing and all done with facial expressions. The audacity of this performance! The nuance! Should I watch Psych?

PS: Nobody should doubt CJ because Bartlet went up 9 points in the polls. She’s a queen and so is halfway-to-EGOT Allison Janney. Should I watch Mom? I’m never going to watch Mom.

What’s Next: The season finale! What could go wrong?

People get shot, that’s what goes wrong.

For more of Kheiro’s West Wing recaps visit: kheiromag.com/westwing, and be sure to sign up to receive Kheiro straight to your inbox.