The West Wing Revisited: A simple guide for not destroying your relationships

Welcome back to Kheiro’s West Wing recaps, where everyone is a big idiot baby

I don’t wanna brag, but I am fucking good at being married. I’m definitely better at it than our disgusting IRL president, and based on this episode (S1E17, “The White House Pro-Am”) I can conclude that I’m also better at it than West Wing Pres. Jed Bartlet. Maybe not as good as First Lady Abbey Bartlet, but it’s hard to believe anyone could be better than Stockard Channing at goddam anything. She’s an angel taken human from. HOWEVER, I do have some advice for everyone on this show, and everyone reading these recaps. A list of do’s and don’ts for how to exist in personal and professional relationships. Relatable and applicable content for your everyday life.

DO recognize that your insecurities are your own, and have nothing to do with your partner or the Deputy Chairman of the Federal Reserve.

The kerfuffle of this episode really starts when the Chairmen of the Fed suddenly dies. Bartlet has to appoint a new Chair, and as a total economics nerd, he doesn’t want to get this wrong.

Bartlet: The market is going to open 200 points down.
Leo: If we’re lucky.
Bartlet: When was the last time we were lucky?
Leo: Super Tuesday.
Bartlet: It’s going to be 300…350.
Leo: Announce Ron Erlich.
Bartlet: Not yet.
Leo: Announce Ron Erlich as Dahl’s successor.
Bartlet: Not… yet.
Leo: You do it this morning when trading opens everyone calms down.
Bartlet: I’m not sure it’s Erlich.
Leo: Sir…
Bartlet: I’m saying I’m not sure. It’s the Fed Chairman. Give me a day.
Leo: It’s gonna be an expensive day.

The reason Jed’s not sure it’s Erlich, even though Erlich is the obvious choice given that he’s the current Deputy Chairman? Erlich used to date Abbey. Seriously. That’s the only reason he doesn’t appoint Ron Erlich immediately. He’s cool with tanking the Dow because he feels intimidated psychosexually. Econ is the President’s intellectual phallus. He loooooooves confusing people by knowing more than them about pretty much everything, but especially economics. This Ron Erlich fellow threatens him in economic and sexual prowess, and that’s Jed’s hangup and nobody else’s. So rather than address the issue head-on, he takes the day to show Erlich who’s really in charge. (He admits as much when he and Abbey fight about it at the end of the episode.)

DO admit when you were wrong.

Thank you, Jed.

DO listen to the person you’re arguing with, especially when they concede a point.

Abbey does a good job of receiving Jed’s concession, but Jed totally whanged it when Abbey did the exact same thing like 30 seconds before.

Some background: the episode started with Abbey Bartlet making an impassioned plea for American companies not to outsource to foreign companies that use child labor. A sane request, you say? Hahahahaha, no apparently this was a bad thing to do. Abbey going on TV to talk about child labor prompted a House Representative to attach a child labor amendment to a trade bill with strong bipartisan support. (Maybe I’m a cynical pinko, but if a trade bill has strong bipartisan support it probably fucks over either the environment or human rights. Being ethical is rarely profitable is all I’m saying.) The “HEY DON’T ENSLAVE KIDS” amendment will tank this popular bill in the Senate, because Senate Republicans love slavery I guess? It’s unclear. Anyway, Sam asks Abbey to call off the Representative, so she does. But Sam doesn’t hear Abbey when she concedes that point (and later, neither does the President). She agrees that now isn’t the time to free The Children, but they don’t hear her because they are both still mid-tirade. I want to reiterate: there are two different scenes where Abbey says something along the lines of, “You’re right, this bill is more important than The Children,” but the dudes yelling at her keep yelling at her rather than take a moment and accept the win.

DON’T become president on a radical platform only to wuss out constantly.

This has ruined more marriages in my friend circle than I care to count. Countless close, personal friends of mine have swept the country on a platform of liberalism and change, then won’t even take a stand on CHILD SLAVERY, JOSIAH. Your wife shouldn’t have to remind you that you would care more if your children were slaves. Yet that is what Abbey says to Jed to get him to concede that child labor is an issue worthy of getting aggro about.

DON’T grandstand to prove a point.

And hey, Representative Lady! You know this amendment will tank the bill and do nothing for The Children. So why do it? Attention? Do you want me to comment on your perfect cheekbones? Because I will. Your features are classical and exquisite and I’m sure you have some great ideas. But now is not the time, apparently. We need these imports more than we need The Children, and you’re just going to have to get with the program. Quixotic quests are for fucking losers, and you’re a winner.

DON’T attack someone’s character just because you hate losing.

Ad hominem attacks aren’t OK. Just be a human and treat your interlocutors as fellow human beings. It’s actuallyeasier to list the characters in this episode who don’t throw shade at people in lieu of addressing their actual issues: CJ, Mrs. Landingham, Zoey, Zoey’s bodyguard from CSI and weirdly enough, Josh. Sam calls the First Lady unprofessional for wanting to help The Children. Jed does his whole Fed-appointment-nut-flex to displace feelings of insecurity, and Charlie calls the Secret Service racist because they don’t want him to get shot.

DO be transparent about how white supremacy is affecting your relationships.

Jed finally tells Zoey about all the racist death threats she’s been getting! That’s the good news. The bad news is he only did it because the Secret Service doesn’t want her to go to a club opening with Charlie. There’s a white supremacist convention in town, and the club has too many dark corners for racists to hide in. Like the Internet.

Charlie doesn’t take the news well. He basically calls Zoey and the Secret Service racist, when really they just don’t want people WHO HAVE ACTIVE DEATH THREATS AGAINST THEM going anywhere with unsecured exits. I live in Los Angeles, and my favorite bar is right across from Robert F. Kennedy High School. RFK High School is on the former site of the Ambassador Hotel, where Robert Kennedy was shot because any yabbo could waltz through that kitchen door.

Say what you will about the Secret Service, but they learn from their mistakes. (And how weird is it that this high school is named after the most famous person to die on that piece of land?)

Finally, DON’T tell a child you’ll beat them up if they get nervous on TV.

I really shouldn’t have to say that, right? Yet here is a conversation between First Lady Abbey Bartlet and a child:

Abbey: I don’t want you to be nervous.
Jeffrey: Okay.
Abbey: If you’re nervous I’ll detect it and mock you mercilessly on national television.
Jeffrey: Okay.
Abbey: Sure, some people think it’s cool for the First Lady to mock a 14 year old boy whose only crime is getting nervous, talking on television in front of millions and millions of people, but hey, I’m gonna do it anyway.
Jeffrey: Okay, I understand.
Abbey: Jeffery…
Jeffrey: Yes, Ma’am?
Abbey: I was kidding. [Jeffrey laughs.] Now, if you do get nervous, just look at me or look at your parents.
Jeffrey: Okay.
Abbey: But you’re not gonna get nervous, are you?
Jeffrey: Nope.
Abbey: If you do I’ll beat your brains out.

I don’t care how much cocaine the person writing you is on, do not say these things to a child. And don’t double down after already having to explain the joke!

What’s Next: Pray for us, Sorkin is going to try and tackle reparations.

Check out the rest of Kheiro’s West Wing recaps at: kheiromag.com/westwing, and be sure to sign up to receive Kheiro straight to your inbox. Follow us on Facebook here.