Distinguished Man of Leisure’s Guide to a Pandemic
There are six steps to thriving in a pandemic.
Tuesday.
01:23 AM.
Empty is the bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos.
The Office theme plays again.
The La-Z-Boy is covered orange dust.
01:24 AM.
Time to go to bed?
Maybe browse Postmates?
Dammit, Fatso’s Last Stand is closed.
01:25 AM.
Drift off into a trance.
02:11 AM.
Come out of the trance.
Wander off to bed.
02:15 AM.
Stare at the Ceiling.
How long will Stay-At-Home Order last?
03:47 AM.
Need to order more Flaming Hot Cheetos.
Has this ever happened to you?
People across the country are saying they are bored. They miss going to the job they hate. They miss hanging out with the friends they don’t like. Now is not the time for complaining.
Pandemics are once a lifetime. Here is your guide to enjoying a pandemic.
1) Watch all Nine Star Wars in a Row.
Don’t skimp on yourself. Don’t waste your time watching all the same old thing. Turn off The Office. No need to see Michael Scott bumbling around the Koi Pond again. Watch a great show you have not seen. If you have not seen The Sopranos or The Wire, it may be time.
Eat a hot dog and throw on Dirty Harry. Spend your beer money on watching some of the Oscar-Worthy films on Amazon Prime. Or save some money and use your roommate’s account. He won’t care. He is a mortgage underwriter.
You have so much time on your hands. Watch all nine Star Wars in a row.
2) Learn to Bake Bread.
Tired of making all those essential workers deliver your regular-ass white bread. Make them by the regular-ass ingredients to make bread instead. Plus the workers will have the thrill of wondering what you are making.
Invite your partner over whom you hope doesn’t have the virus and show off the bread you made. Wow. Is that sourdough?
It sure is.
3) Pretend to Read a Book.
Now I get this one is the most challenging. Save yourself some time. Don’t read the book. Go onto Amazon and pick out a copy of the book you have always wanted to read. Then post a photo of you reading the book on Amazon.
Finally, Sparknote a summary of the book in case someone ever questions if you have read it. If you have roommates, seclude yourself for hours. Stare at the wall. When they ask you to come out for dinner, tell them you are reading Infinite Jest.
4) Go for a Run.
Some of you may say, “Hey! You can’t go for a run during Governor Pritzker’s Stay-At-Home order.” The short answer is you can. Just remember to stay 6 feet away from people at all times. I like to run with my arms out in front of me while I howl like a dog. This keeps everyone at least 6 feet away from me.
You need to maintain your fitness during this time. You don’t want to be falling asleep while watching Disney + because you are out of shape.
5) Become a Video Game Master.
It doesn’t matter what you play, but now is the time to play. You are smack dab in the middle of a pandemic. Don’t waste it. Playing video games is not a sign of laziness. It is a sign of someone who is saving the world.
If you follow these six steps you will truly learn how to thrive in a Pandemic.
“Did he make six steps or only five?” Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a 44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: “Do I feel lucky?” Well, do ya, punk?”
