In Sickness
We ran into a friend the other day who we hadn’t seen since Eric was diagnosed. She said something like, “You must still be in shock” to which Eric responded something like “I’ve adjusted to it.” I realize I feel the same way. There were a couple weeks when I felt like I’d been punched in the gut and all the wind had been knocked out of me, but that feeling is gone. Eric has cancer. My husband has cancer. Bryn’s dad has cancer. Saying this doesn’t devastate me the way it did.
But that doesn’t mean things are anything like the way they were. The world I’m living in is different and about one billion times tougher than it was before. But in some ways, things have changed for the better.
To start, I moved my stuff into Bryn’s room and that’s where I sleep. I actually really like sharing a room with her. She no longer has to cry in the morning for me to hear her — she simply pops her head over the crib and starts talking and I wake up. It’s adorable. And I feel like I’m spending extra time with her, even if we are both asleep. I’ll take any extra time I can get.
Another big change is the mundane now feels special. Eric, Bryn and I went for a walk to the supermarket the other day like a normal family and it felt magical. I usually hate supermarket shopping but now the family time feels like a treat. The thing with cancer treatment is you don’t know exactly when the good days will be but they definitely exist. We are taking every opportunity we can to enjoy the time as a family.
Perhaps the biggest change is my mom is here. She got an apartment down the street in a really nice building with a pool and gym. Of course it’s way too expensive and she wouldn’t normally be paying for a place like this, but these are extraordinary circumstances. Words can’t express the sense of relief I feel having my mom down the street instead of across the country. Every day that Bryn spends with her she gets smarter. My mom is the parent I cannot be to Bryn so I’m so grateful Bryn now gets this extra enrichment from her. Hopefully it will be enough to get her into MIT one day.
All these changes have me reflecting a lot on life. We went to a lovely wedding over the weekend in wine country. I’m grateful Eric felt well enough to go because it was an amazing, extravagant time. During the ceremony, the couple read their own vows in addition to the standard vows. They made a bunch of promises — all the things they would do for each other and all the happy times they’d have together. It sounded like something I might have written when Eric and I got married. I think that’s why the standard vows weave in this little line about “in sickness and in health” because otherwise no one would consider the bad times. As Eric and I come up on our 5 year anniversary this summer, I’m frustrated that we are already exercising the “in sickness” clause. Life was simpler when I too was blissfully unaware that bad things like this could happen.
Cancer is going to be a bitch. Eric’s treatment ramps up each cycle so the first one he completed was the easiest by design. We know this. But there have been plenty of good things that have come out of these awful circumstances and I’m making it my business to ensure that there keep being plenty more. We are not only going to #KillEricsCancer but we are going to enjoy killing it. This was not the adventure we planned to have together 5 years ago when we took our vows, but it’s the one we are on. In sickness and in health, whatever it takes, I do.
