Not a Fairytale
There’s no happily ever after, but we can live happily right now
Right now Eric is recovering from chemo. Chemo is so brutal that even when all the cancer is gone, it takes time for your body to repair itself. Eric is still anemic so that causes him to have more fatigue than normal. On top of that, he’s immunocompromised so even a small virus or infection could be devastating to him. It’s going to take months before he’s close to where he was before.
I too am recovering. The last 5 months I’ve been going on pure adrenaline. I just powered through with absolutely everything I had. Now that the threat is no longer imminent, I am trying to catch my breath.
Most of the time when people ask how we’re doing I say “we’re doing great!” because I know that’s what everyone wants to hear once treatment ends. I say it because it’s an easy answer and it’s not entirely a lie, but the truth isn’t so simple.
Here’s the full truth.
Eric gets another scan at the end of November. In December we will know if Eric remains in remission and if so, he will have surgery to have his port removed. However, there’s a chance that once you stop chemo for a period of time you give remaining cancer cells, if there were any, an opportunity to grow back. This can happen between now and the end of November when the scan takes place or it can happen at any time after that. Chances of it happening are reduced after 2 years, but the risk is always there.
Practically what this also means is every ache, every cough, every sore throat is a cause of panic for us because that’s sort of how this nightmare began. It’s hard to figure out how to live without worrying all the time. I used to love planning out my future. These days I can’t even think more than a few weeks ahead.
Life is both good and bad right now. My company Winnie raised a bunch of money, which means I get more time and resources to work on my dream of making the world a better place for parents. That feels amazing. On the other hand, last week we cancelled our big family trip to Disneyland because Eric didn’t feel well enough to go. Enough things were off with his health to make the trip too risky. That feels scary. I want to wave a magic wand and make everything all better.
Real life is not a fairytale.
I’m constantly thinking through worst case scenarios and how we’d deal with them. There are more treatments available if the cancer were to come back and late at night I research them. I want to be ready for the worst.
When I’m feeling extra anxious I try to remind myself that nobody’s life is guaranteed. No one knows for certain that they’ll be alive tomorrow, or the next day. No one knows for certain that they won’t get diagnosed with cancer tomorrow, or next month, or next year. No one is guaranteed a happily ever after. Not in Disneyland, not anywhere.
The next best thing.
There’s certainly a lot to fear but also so much to look forward to and I’m trying to focus my mental energy on the good stuff. So, when I say “we’re doing great!” I do kind of mean it. Eric turned 38 this past weekend and we got to celebrate here in San Francisco with the happiest (except right before bedtime) little girl I know. We went out to brunch, became members at an incredible museum, and celebrated Halloween. It may not be happily ever after, but we are doing our best to live happily, right now.
