Crashing Down
“Hey.”
It’s strange how much can be held inside a single word.
He smiles as he sees me, but there’s no joy in it, no sparkle in those blue eyes to show the real thoughts inside. It’s a shield, a mask. This smile is to keep people out. Even you.
Especially me.
I’m jealous either way. Of his composure. Of his mystery. I’ve never been good with hiding my emotions.
Or dealing with them.
Aren’t I older? Shouldn’t I be the mature one? Shouldn’t this be easier?
The distance between us is impenetrable.
We stand in awkward silence. The cosy warmth we shared so recently is gone, and I’m at a loss how to get it back, stunned by the pain of its absence. Is he waiting for me to speak? I was the one who wanted to talk, after all. But now he’s here and I feel sick to my stomach.
Because he stole my first kiss, the kiss I tried so hard to give to you all these years. The kiss you never wanted. Right before the date you promised me. The date he got for me.
And I split his lip.
Funny how I can chase someone around with a hammer and it’s a joke, but a slap hurts so much more.
“…Sorry.”
We share a look of mutual surprise. The word said in unison, and I’m confused because I am hurt. I am angry. But… why?
Isn’t it my fault? Didn’t I ask him to spend time with me? Because I was lonely? Because he was sweet and attentive and there and all the things you weren’t?
Didn’t I assume that he had a crush on my friend even when he spent all his time looking at me?
Am I just angry because he isn’t you?
Because I didn’t notice how he feels?
Because I didn’t notice how I feel?
How can I blame him? What kind of hypocrite am I when I’ve thrown myself at you so much harder for so many years, trying to make you see me the way he does? Or at least did. How deluded would I have to be to believe he felt the same now, when I hurt him the moment he let down his guard?
The problem was never him.
I step towards him but he steps back, keeping his distance. I reach out a hand and he flinches and my chest aches as I see what I’ve lost.
“Friends?” I bite my lip, hand held out.
Did his smile turn bitter? Or did I imagine it? Do I hope he turns me down, makes one last declaration of love, gives me one more chance to choose? Was friendship the place love goes to die, or a chance to try again?
But how can I do that to him when I love you still? When I still hold that ever faint hope that you love me too and that if I try just one more day that you will finally realise it? I want to ask him to wait. To give me one more day, a month, a year. But how can I expect him to wait when I know so well how much it hurts?
He deserves a heart all to himself, not as a second choice, not to be asked to cater to my own selfish desires. He can do better, he can do so much better.
“Friends.” He smiles with dead eyes. There’s no openness in his word, no future. He takes my hand and shakes it.
An agreement then. To forget everything we’ve done. To pretend things were back to normal when they’d never be the same. Doomed to drift apart in our mutual fear to be hurt.
He goes to pull away, but I hold his hand fast. In my mind I tell him everything and he understands and forgives and we are close and happy once more. In my mind I choose you and forsake you and every choice in between.
Blue eyes gaze at me, wide, empty. Shields firmly in place as I try to maintain my own meagre defences, face heating as I stare at him, trying to muster even a fraction of the courage he did.
Somehow I step forward at last, somehow breaching that inviolable gap between us. He flinches as I raise my hand and it hurts but I persevere, pressing my hand against that same soft cheek.
“Your timing sucks.”
I lean forward.
~ Thanks for reading. This particular darling was almost part of the Eternal Tails series. I did always enjoy these introspective stories though, and the dynamic between the characters without name, but in the end I wasn’t quite happy with how it turned out, instead things went in a different direction and this particular darling on the cutting room floor. Hope you enjoyed it. ~ Pan
